8 Good Reasons To NOT See "Red Riding Hood"

The film Red Riding Hood opens in theaters across America today... and I could not care less. There are so many reasons for NOT seeing the movie, here are but a few...

 

1. “From the director of ‘Twilight’ ”

Now, who let her out of the cellar? This is a director who was FIRED from doing the other Twilight movies. That's right, she sucks at Twilight. And furthermore, what kind of publicist thought that advertising this fact would bring a bigger audience? It would probably be more effective if the ads read, “From a person who met Sparkly Vampire Guy and Werewolf Enemy.”

 

2. It’s a repackaged version of “Twilight”

Forbidden love? Never-ending forest scenes? Mediocre music that sounds completely out of place? It’s probably either something by Stephanie Meyer or “Romeo and Juliet,” and I’m pretty sure that “Romeo and Juliet” doesn’t involve a man-eating werewolf.

 

3. Amanda Seyfried

She was in “Mamma Mia!” and “Dear John” and “Letters to Juliet.” You may ask, “What do those movies all have to do with each other?” Well, my dear reader, just the sound of the titles make me cringe, and the actual movies weren't any better either.

 

4. Seeing this is endorsing starvation in Africa

Seeing this would be spending however much money on a crappy 100 minutes and not on people who really need it. Your money would be better spent on charity! Think about it!

 

5. “A breathtaking vision of a 700 year old legend”

Yawn. Where’s the “The Social Network”? That tagline reminds me of scrapbook-cliché-fluff soup. I’d rather be eaten by the wolf before entering that theater. And with movie ticket prices being so high, death should probably be included.

 

6. What happened to “Little”

Red Riding Hood used to be so small and innocent until “Twilight” lady came along. Now she’s sex-motivated and slutty. What happened to the little girl who wanted to bring some food to her grandmother’s cabin? I miss her.

 

7. There are so many other things you could be doing

Why see this thing when you could be seeing “Battle: Los Angeles.” At least that one is supposed to be bad enough to be laughable, and it has nothing to do with “Twilight.”

 

8. You’ll be eleven or twelve dollars closer to an iPad

Pretty iPad! In white! Thin! Cameras! Fast! FaceTime! PhotoBooth! Magic!

Are you going to see Red Riding Hood this weekend? Do you have the balls to admit it? Can you think of any other good reasons not to see this stinky film? Let's discuss in the comments below!

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