8 Hot New Summer Toys

Before summer starts make sure the good times never end with the following must-have toys of the season.

 

1. Frisbee Attack

How many times have you pretended your Frisbee was a flying saucer? Well, pretend no more as wave after wave after wave of Frisbees suddenly descend from the sky. No one is quite sure where the Frisbees come from, who’s throwing them or why they are armed to the teeth with laser canons and ground troops. All we know is that they’ve appeared over most major cities around the world, have blocked all our communication and have disintegrated anyone who tries to use them in a game of Ultimate Frisbee.

 

2. Inflatable Shark Tank

Make “Shark Week” last all summer long to the delight of homebound oceanographers and the horror of unsuspecting canonballers. Just inflate the 100-foot diameter pool with your mouth and fill with seawater gathered from your nearest ocean over the course of several hundred road trips. Then sit back and enjoy until it slowly dawns on you that sharks require an enormous amount of food to survive, forcing you to throw countless pool parties with dark, ulterior motives. By season’s end you’ll have blood on your hands and all over your patio furniture, not to mention some spectacularly gruesome summer photos to email to grandma.

 

3. Rapture Pogo Stick

Sad you weren’t carried up to heaven over the weekend? Just give it another try with the Rapture Pogo Stick. Each gravity-defying bounce propels you an additional 6000 feet into the sky. Sure, the ensuing G-force from such propulsion will shift your mouth to where your bellybutton used to be. And yes, the sudden high-altitude will cause your brain tissue to swell up to the size of a Honda Civic. But all of that’s a small price to pay for getting the chance to see the entire Earth before you forever slowly drift into deep space. (Note: Using Rapture Pogo Stick while naked depends on what you’re comfortable doing in your parents’ driveway.)

 

4. Lego Real Bricks

Now you can build your own summer home at just two-thirds the normal price! Designed to meet all former Soviet Bloc building codes, these oversized plastic bricks will let you construct an actual home that can withstand an unmotivated burglar, a malnourished bear attack or being dropped no more than three inches off the ground. And for those would-be homeowners who aren’t particularly handy or not yet three-years-old there’s Duplo Real Bricks, which let you build a large cube-like thingy or something that might be either a rocket ship or a mutant duck.

 

5. Timeslip ‘n Slide

One second you’re sliding on moist plastic across your backyard. Next second you’re colliding into the arthritic back of Ben Franklin, letting you see how people cursed and nut-punched during the American Revolution. Unfortunately, due to a patent infringement from competing “Skid ‘n Fall Through the Years,” Timeslip ‘n Slide can only send you through time. It can’t bring you back. So if you land in Pompeii on volcano day, you better just run. Also, both Timeslip ‘n Slide and normal Slip ‘n Slide are sold in similar unmarked boxes, meaning you won’t know if later you’ll be having dinner with your own family or a Pompeian family on volcano day. What we’re trying to say is that there’s a more than 99% chance you’ll wind up in Pompeii on volcano day, so best you learn both Latin and to appreciate your time on earth before use.

 

6. Fisher Price Working Farm Set

If your alarm clocks doesn’t wake you then the shrill, piercing 5 am cry from a one-inch rooster will. Then it’s time to wake up and feed a thimble of slop to the pigs, prevent the desk fan from blowing away your sheep and discover that a herd of cow repeatedly ran across your laptop keyboard, posting hundreds of indecipherable updates on your Facebook page. And while coping with miniature poachers and wee twisters may not sound like typical summer fun, at least you’ll get a 4-cent check every month from the government for not growing any tiny corn.

 

7. T.G.I. Lemonade Franchise Stand

Get in on the ground floor of an exciting business opportunity! After a one-time licensing fee (and monthly licensing-like fees), you’ll own and operate your very own stand under the strict rules and complete control of T.G.I. Lemonade headquarters. Then you’ll just have to buy official T.G.I. Lemonade mix, T.G.I. Lemonade glasses and T.G.I. Lemonade “T.G.I. Lemonade” signage. You’ll also have to hire a staff of six, place your stand in the middle of the road to allow for “drive-thru” customers and get someone to play T.G.I. Lemonade’s mascot “Sourpuss,” famous for his catchphrase “I wish I were dead.” After three months you’ll be 14 grand in the hole, giving you the perfect business experience for a future college application or bankruptcy hearing.

 

8. My Summer Buddy

Sad because all your friends will be away at camp or on vacation this summer? Let My Summer Buddy fill the void, whether you want to play on the swings or get into a heated argument over Monopoly while your increasingly concerned parents look on. Eventually, My Summer Buddy will make his own playtime suggestions, like “Let’s taste Daddy’s special juice” or “Let’s hotwire a hearse!” By summer’s end you’ll either have had the time of your life or be charged with 42 counts of mail fraud, grand larceny and aggravated assault with a blimp.

What's your favorite new summer toy? What are some summer toys you'd like to see?

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