8 Mythical Creatures Tween Girls Shouldn't Want To Date

Tween girls really want vampires and ghosts and wizards to make out with them. This is because they have been lead to believe that these monsters are harmless, celibate, and like, totally get them. They are not wrong. Some vampires and wizards are very sweet and just want to kiss you until you are ready to marry them. But be warned, tween girls, other monsters may seem like they would make a good boyfriend, but below you will find some examples of monsters that you should absolutely not exchange promise rings with.

 

Centaur

Yes, girls like ponies, AND dudes that have ripped abs, so a half-man half horse sounds ideal. However, he can never go into a 7-11 (no shoes, AND no shirt), and he can't fit in a car.

 

Freddy Krueger

The idea of a gentlemen coming to you in your dreams to whisk you away to a magical fantasy land might seem romantic, but that gentleman has knives for fingers and the magical fantasy land is a boiler room that he stokes with teenager’s souls.

 

Hello Kitty Freddy Krueger

He may seem more harmless than regular Freddy Krueger on account of he has whiskers and likes to rub his cheek against the couch, but beware, when he rips open his shirt his chest is still covered in the screaming souls of your friends.

 

The Four Horsemen Of The Apocalypse

Having four boyfriends sounds awesome. Having four boyfriends who know how to ride horses? OMG I'm like totally melting over here! But trust me, no STD on Earth compares to the plagues and boils you'll get from these guys.

 

Pinhead

Every girl likes a man who shows confidence and knows how to take charge of a situation, and Pinhead is the leader of a cadre of inter-dimensional demons. He has also obviously been to college, as he is very articulate, and probably in England given his accent, which is way hot. His great downfall as a boyfriend is that every time you make out with him you get stabbed with dozens of pins. Other than that he's great. He loves planning surprise picnics and thinks Gossip Girl is a “fun, engaging show.”

 

Cthulhu

Cthulhu will consume you and you will spend eternity drowning in the burning hot brine that sloshes around in his gut. Yes, he does have a six-pack that will make your friends totally jealous. Is that worth it, given the whole boiling alive in his stomach forever thing? You be the judge.

 

Azathoth

Azathoth is ancient indescribable evil from beyond time comprised of slime and teeth and shrieks. He reeks of the scent of a hundred graveyards, and his eyes are bloodshot from cackling at the horror he has wrought. He is also one of those guys that's kind of a d*ck to waiters, which is hella embarrassing when you're at a restaurant. And he picks his teeth with his credit card. Gag me with a spoon!

 

The Geico Lizard

A yappy, wimpy English lizard who spends all day babbling about cars and savings. Yeah, he might be able to save you up to 20% on your car insurance, but that doesn't nearly make up for you having a boyfriend that goes to the bathroom in your hand when he gets frightened.

 

What other monsters wouldn't make good boyfriends? Let us know in the comments!

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