8 Things I've Learned From Lil Wayne Songs
Lil Wayne has much to teach us. You wanna know how to have lots of babies? Weezy's hustling up babies all the time. You need to lay down a dope rhyme? This is a man who rhymed 'Nice tires on the 'ghini' with 'vegetable zucchini.' He don't care if it makes absolutely no friggin' sense! He's Lil Wayne, bitches! I happen to have a real sweet spot for this convict philosopher, so I decided to take a look at just a few of the important things he's taught me. There's a reason he calls himself the greatest rapper of all time and no one else does.
Lollipop--Don't Eat Certain Things In Front Of Pervy Dudes
I would include not only lollipops on this list, but corndogs, chocolate-covered frozen bananas and Domino's Cheesy Breadsticks as well. And another thing...no one actually uses the term 'lady lumps.' It's sole purpose in life seems to be as a rhyme for hump. Another lesson? Never use the Black Eyed Peas as inspiration.
How To Love And How To Hate
How To Love paid tribute to Weezy's softer side. In the song, he begs a girl to not let past bad experiences sour her on true love. This is so true, Oprah Wayne-frey! But why do I get the feeling that, for a lot of women, Lil Wayne is that bad experience. Oh that's right...because of How To Hate. My favorite lesson on How to Hate has got to be 'always go for the low blow.' I betcha in that whole dang song the one thing that made that girl cry was the fact that Lil Wayne called her pigeon-toed. When it Waynes it pours, indeed!
Money On My Mind- One Thing Haters Really Hate Is People Who Can Afford Quilted Toilet Paper
There are lots of things I was aware were pimp. An affinity for hoes. Winn Dixie bags full of cash. Leopard print jeggings. But I was unaware about the thick toilet paper. Maybe those Charmin bears were actually burying a body in the woods?
Bedrock--Sometimes I'm Slow To Understand A Play On Words
It's pretty embarrassing how long I thought that Lil Wayne calling himself Mr. Flintstone in this song was just another lame Lil Wayne lyric. Ohhhhhh... Bedrock! FACEPALM. Trust me there is no lower moment than when you get fooled by Lil Wayne.
Prostitute Pt. 2--A Man Telling You That He Doesn't Care About Your Sordid Past Is More Insulting Than It Is Romantic
So let me get this straight. You love me so much that you wouldn't even care if you found out I was a prostitute? And when you see me it makes you have an asthma attack. Hmmm. It doesn't take a genius to figure out that this relationship will probably not work out. And that Lil Wayne will probably never have his own line of Hallmark cards.
Mrs. Officer--Never Take Advice On Dealing With The Law From Convicted Felons
It's nice to see our tax dollars at work! For someone who's always bragging about how much bank he has, he sure goes to great lengths to get out of a speeding ticket. I'm pretty sure if any of us told a cop that we wanna "beat" them like Rodney King we'd be more like Jailed Lil Wayne than Wee Ooh, Wee Ooh, Wee Lil Wayne.
John --Prison Doesn't Always Reform People
Out of jail and Lil Wayne's already back to his old antics. He just doesn't give a firetruck! And another thing, he only has one thing in common with John Lennon...they both were shot. I'm pretty sure a lyric like "Real G's move in silence like lasagna" would never pass Lennon's smell test.
A Milli--Lil Wayne's Running Out Of Ways To Boast
Seriously, Weezy? You're a venereal disease!? It's actually your most believable boast, but you better be careful with that. You'll have to change your name from Weezy F. Baby to Weezy NO F. Baby. But who am I kidding! He's Lil Wayne! Rules don't apply! He'll shoot your grandma up!
What has Lil Wayne taught you? Let me know @desijedeikin or in the comments below!