8 Things That Should Be Made of Nerf
From tossing a ball to launching a missile strike, all the best things in life seem to involve Nerf. So why not make more stuff out of the single greatest man-made material since bubble wrap?
Not only do lawns waste precious water and soil nutrients, they also provide little comfort when you fall out of a tree, off a roof or out of a house flying overhead courtesy of several thousand balloons. With a Nerf lawn, however, you could fall out of, or off of anything without nary a scratch, bruise, or extended coma. Plus, the Nerf lawn’s bright color would only increase the asking price for your home should you live in a neighborhood desired by the colorblind or clinically insane.
2. Pet Monkey
How many times have you thought, “Oh man, what I wouldn’t do if I had a pet monkey!” only to immediately think, “Oh man, what that pet monkey would do to me… and my house… and everything I own.” But with a Nerf pet monkey you could have all the joy of illegally housing a feral animal without the fear of numerous lacerations, dead guests, shattered possessions and flung poo. Instead, you would just sit back and relax as your monkey safely bounced off your walls all night, screeching to high heaven but never doing anything that could cause you to lose your security deposit or extremities.
3. Death Star
Sure, a Nerf Death Star would have been destroyed within seconds, not because of a strategic attack but due to a quick snip of the scissors. And yes, housing several thousands stormtroopers inside a giant sponge would have almost certainly suffocated the lot of them in their sleep. But imagine how many target planets would have happily allowed a giant pink ball to float into their atmosphere, not knowing that behind it’s fun, family-friendly exterior lied the ultimate Nerf N-Strike blaster.
Worried about dropping your iPhone and having to return to the Apple store with a shattered black slab in one hand, and a fat check for a replacement phone in the other? With Nerf you could drop your iPhone as often as you like. Or play catch with it indoors. Or play a pickup game outside. Or hurl it across a public park or canyon. In fact, you’d have such a carefree time with your Nerf iPhone you wouldn’t realize it’s been eight whole months since you used it to call, text or listen to that doctor’s voicemail about your test results.
For years people have been touting the all-Nerf car, only to be met with such arguments as “How the hell can we put in an internal combustion engine in Styrofoam?!” and “Don’t be stupid.” But mechanical impossibilities pale in comparison to how many lives would be saved, how many highways would turn into giant pinball machines as drivers happily bounce off each other, and how many road trips would be shortened by safely careening off of overpasses, bridges or out of passing jets.
6. Artificial Body Parts
Although quite resilient in some ways, the human body can also be fragile in others. So doesn’t it make sense to replace your entire body with pliable Nerf so that you could handle any injury? Imagine jumping off a building and experiencing only mild dizziness! Imagine severing a limb only to fix it with duct tape! Imagine running faster without the extra weight of bone or muscle! Imagine running at all without bone or muscle! Imagine trying to do anything when your brain is a sponge! In short, maybe just start by replacing a toe or nostril and see how it goes from there.
7. Sword of Kahless
Nerf is certainly not short in soft armament, from crossbows to broadswords to maces to a short-lived run of prison shivs. But it has yet to make the Nerf version of the ultimate Klingon weapon that looks as if it was designed to disembowel a human, core an apple and scare the crap out of your fellow passengers on the late bus all at the same time.
Fire is necessary to provide warmth and prepare meals. But it can also be extremely dangerous and destructive. With Nerf fire, though, you could have all the food and cold weather comfort you want without all the excessive burning. Simple heat it in the microwave for a few minutes and then use it to gently singe a cracker or keep your hands toasty for a second. Repeat until your cracker is a light brown, you regain some sensation in your fingers or you realize we might have taken this whole “make things out of Nerf” premise a tad too far.
What would you like to see made out of Nerf?