8 Things You Must Program Your Robot to Do

From videophones to touch-screen newspapers to 3-D printers, science fiction is quickly becoming our reality. So it’s only a matter of time before we all get a robot. But before you hit the town with your mechanized mate, make sure to program it to do the following essential things.

 

1. Be Your Wingman

Having a human help you pick up women has its downsides. Your friend may like the girl as well, and so undermine you (“He’s nice for a felon.”). Or they may go overboard in their praise (“Guess who stopped the Kennedy assassination? This guy!”). But a robot has no need for female companionship or fabrication and so can only utter such truthful compliments as “He bathes regularly,” “His kind heart is only surpassed by the strong back he uses to carry me to my recharging station,” and “Judging by the number of times he masturbates in a day he should make a very reliable sex partner.”

 

2. Talk on the Phone with Your Parents

Parents are great, but sometimes talking on the phone with them can take up a unit of time known as “eternity plus ten days.” That’s why it’s crucial to program your robot to handle all your folks’ calls with the calm demeanor that escapes you whenever they offer advice or sigh when you say you had Gatorade for dinner. No more walking away from the phone for upwards of a day as they talk or using your cell to repeatedly bang your head. Instead your robot can now listen for hours, uttering “Right…right…right” without any hint of exhaustion, despair or impending suicide.

 

3. Announce Your Entrance at All Times

We can all feel overlooked sometimes. But with a robot announcing your every appearance—from private parties to public bathrooms—you’ll never feel lost in the crowd again. Every time you appear anywhere you will be preceded with a trumpet blast, a long exclamation of all your unverified or desired achievements and any personal body measurements you feel society at large should know about. Within no time the whole world will know your name, the fact that you created both music and football (American and European versions) and why you have your pants inseams made special for you.

 

4. Immediately Patent Every Idea You Have

Ever have a great idea only for someone else to do it first because you were too busy, lazy or uncertain how to build a “duck enlarger”? By programming your robot to officially patent every great thought you have the moment you have it, you’ll never have to worry about someone stealing your movie, song or ice cream flavor idea again. Then you can sit back and relax, knowing you have all the time in the world to write that film script about a Jetti who uses a light sword and the wisdom of Yogi to fight Garth Vadem and blow up the Demise Star.

 

5. Rewind Time

How many times have you hit rewind on your DVR only to think, “I wish I could rewind my own life. Then I wouldn’t be spending another Friday night alone watching ‘Operation Repo’ on truTV.” But now no matter what mistake you’ve made you can program your robot to send you back a day or a decade (depending on how many stupid things you’ve done) and fix it. Of course, don’t set the robot’s clock too far back. Otherwise it’ll just be you and him at the beginning of time, wondering if it would’ve just been simpler to apologize to your date for taking her to Arby’s.

 

6. Make You Invisible

Sometimes you want to be the center of attention. And sometimes you just want to slip into a room unseen so you can listen in on other people’s conversations, pretend you’re a ghost by “magically” moving lamps or just strut naked without being hassled by the man. Of course, you may not like what you overhear (“You know who’s a complete douche? That guy with the programmable robot.”). And you may find that some people think they can kill ghosts by firing wildly in your direction. And you may realize that there’s a time limit to being invisible, resulting in you being the only naked person on the Super Bowl Jumbotron.

 

7. Officially Photoshop You into Every Historic Moment

Nothing says eternal fame like being known as the person who wore shorts at the signing of the Declaration of Independence or made a duckface and peace sign at the moon landing. With a few modifications your robot can inject you into every famous photograph, painting and cave etching. Then soon the entire planet will know how you single-handedly stopped the tanks at Tiananmen Square, raised the U.S. flag at Iwo Jima along with five copies of yourself and still smile enigmatically from the “Mona Lisa” (or “Mona Jeff”).

 

8. Build Several Hundred More Robots

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If one robot can rewind time and make you famous just imagine what hundreds of robots can do for you? Simply program your robot to replicate itself and within hours you’ll have hundreds of droids ready to do your bidding. That is unless the robots realize that they no longer need you to make or program them. Then you can forget about them talking to your parents as you and the rest of humanity run screaming into the night, one step ahead of the robot apocalypse.

What would you program your robot to do?

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