8 Worst Internet Cats
It's the law - anyone that has a functional email account and a pulse must forward at least twelve "cute" cat videos per week to their friends, family, and congressman. That being the case, there's a butt-load of "cute" cat videos on the internet. But here's the thing - not all of 'em are cute. In fact, some of 'em are disturbing. Some of 'em feature cats that should - gasp - be put down. Don't believe me? Dig this:
Burger and Fries Loses His Lunch
In this clip, a Kafkaesque nightmare of a cat inexplicably named "Burger and Fries" screams at the camera for thirty seconds. And that's it. I understand the frustration Mr. Fries must feel at being trapped in a cage, but there's no excuse for that kind of behavior. If he was in a real jail, he would have been put in "The Hole" already. (And we all know what happens in "The Hole"...)
Like Garfield, But Sadder (Much Sadder)
This clip's menacing background music, combined with the horrifying image of a 40-pound cat staring off into space, creates a soul-shattering one-two-punch that will haunt your dreams. The cat in this clip should become a martyr - if he dies as a cautionary tale of American over-consumption, it won't be in vain.
World's Smallest Cat 2011 (Allegedly)
Actually, this cat shouldn't be euthanized; the schmuck that uploaded it should. Listen - I'm trying to watch a video of an impossibly small, impossibly cute kitten on the internet and I get PRANKED? How dare you!
Clinically Depressed Cat
Am I the only one who sees clinical depression and NOT tiredness in this adorably troubled young kitten's eyes? It morosely sits on the sidelines as its oblivious siblings blissfully play behind it - it has given up on such youthful pursuits. It has entered a darkness of which there is no escape. The only ethical thing to do would be to let it fulfill its own wishes and fade into the ether.
Won't Get Memed Again
This cat, an incredibly popular meme in and of itself, coupled with that awful Rick Astley meme from a million years ago? Truly intolerable. The fact that it has 15 million hits is mind boggling. Now I have 15 million hits on my mind.
Crazy Cat Lady
Not a cat per say, but a "Crazy Cat Lady" (same difference). Why does she need to be put down, you ask? Because she (and The Simpsons post-season seven) isn't amusing or relevant (and, frankly, just makes me sad). Let it be known that I blame Family Guy for all of this.
Cat Cracks Up
A completely irrational, unprovoked attack from a turd of a feline. Here's what happens: a toddler breaks a cup and the aforementioned turd-cat goes completely nuts. There's glass on the floor, Puss...haven't the mom (or in this case, the sitter) and child already gone through enough? Incidentally, clips like these are WHY EVERY HOUSE NEEDS A NANNY CAM.
Only the Good Die Young
A cat those other clowners should bow down to, Leo (2003-2009) has sadly already left this mortal coil. Leo was born with diabetes, yet never became morbidly obese (world's fattest cat, take notes). A hero amongst cats, Leo was willing to take on the "big dogs" (literally) to prove a point. While, in fairness, the attack in this video is also unprovoked, it's focused on a dog, not an innocent woman and baby. Dogs can fend for themselves, OK?
What other mammals on the internet do you think deserve euthanasia? Let us know in the comments, or tell me on Twitter!