The 8 Worst Kinds Of Apartment Neighbors

So, a bunch of you just graduated college and are excited to move out, try life in The Big City, make it on your own, etc. Good for you. You now possess the emotional depth to sing the opening of Thoroughly Modern Millie. But before you throw down that inflated security deposit on an apartment, bringing you one step closer to Being Chandler Bing, you should know that this kind of living in close proximity to a bunch of strangers isn’t anything like the dorms. Apartment buildings attract all types; here are some of the worst neighbors you will have.

 

1. Families

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The family that resides in your apartment building will always be in your face: running down the halls, splashing in the pool, expecting you to remember their names. You’ll never be so tempted to not hold the front door for someone as you are when waiting for them to unstrap their baby from the car seat.

 

2. The Internationals

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These people will rent the apartment above you, but only part of the year. You won’t fully understand what they do for a living or where they dwell the rest of the time, but you’ll be too intimidated to ask. Their multinational accent makes you feel like a hick. And the constant blaring of techno music makes you feel… exhausted? Pathetic that you’re not inclined to listen to it? Alone?

 

3. The Creeper

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There WILL be that one middle-aged man from former Yugoslavia who rides the elevator with you and loudly laments that he has yet to find a wife. Oh, the riches he would shower on her. A two-bedroom, and no one to share it with. Your polite nod or giggle will only encourage him to leave gifts at your door. Oh, and did I mention he’ll be the one who reeks of cigarette smoke and ineffective deodorant? You have no choice but to encourage your roommate to drunk dial him, thereby redirecting his affections.

 

4. The Walking Noise Complaint

 

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This f’ing person. Seriously, it will be nine o’clock, you’ll have maybe five friends over, the TV won’t be on that loud, and this f'ing person will be banging a broom to your ceiling. So then you tell everyone, sorry, we have to quiet down, and before you even finish that sentence, there will be  five cops at your door who heard that there was a rager going on. You'll try to explain, no, we’re just upstanding citizens engaging in a night of socialization and sport,  but the cops will tell you to break it up, since SOMEONE in your building complained. Noise Complainers are evenly distributed throughout all apartment buildings in every metropolitan area, for the sole purpose of RUINING YOUR LIFE. God!

 

5. Sex Maniacs

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Needs very little description. Will fill your thoughts with awe and inadequacy, as you don’t know how to do things that would evoke those sounds.

 

6. Domestic Disputers

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You’ll unwittingly bear witness to their marital spats, not knowing if it’s “your place” to call the cops, or if these two just deserve each other, as they both know an equal number of compound insults. These are often the same people as in #5.

 

7. The Activist

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There will be that one person who asks you to sign lists in support of fixing things in your building that you hadn’t realized were issues. Nothing will get resolved, but now you’ll think about stuff like how the elevator’s Safety Inspection Certificate is expired, every time you ride it. Have fun.

 

8. Those With Rock Band

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They won’t be able to carry a tune. Not that it matters, as all you’ll hear will be the electronic overtones of that godforsaken video game carrying across the courtyard on random weeknights. Where is The Walking Noise Complaint now? Wait, are you now that person? This must be adulthood. Downward spiral into your quarter-life crisis!

Have you had any of these neighbors? What other kinds of horrible people have you encountered in your building? Let us know in the comments section!

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