8 Worst People To Start Following Your Twitter Account

If you’re like me, a wildly successful twitterer of tweets, you know that your followers are important. They favorite things, they retweet things, sometimes you’re in such a generous mood you even respond to one of their silly little “@” messages. Not all followers are equal, however. Some are a noose around your neck, squeezing tighter and tighter until finally you just want to scream “Stop it, I AM NOT DAVID CARRADINE!” And now, here for you, are the 8 Worst People to Have Follow you on Twitter:

 

Someone You Have a Thing For

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You guys spend the day at the mall together (as friends, of course. Always as friends…) and have the greatest, bestest time ever! You say good bye, and go your seperate ways. She starts heading home and decides to check her twitter feed, only to discover your passive-aggressive pining; “Just w/U @ mall, wish u felt the same way as me #FML”. Good news, you’re not “just friends” anymore! You’re nothing.

 

The Comedian You Steal Jokes From

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You know who actually writing material is for? Dummies. Hell, this whole article is taken word for word from a 1979 issue of Cosmo. So it’s a waste of time to write your own tweets when you can just take some professional comedians. Only, WHOOPS!, he found out and has an army of sycophants who are so desperate to get a pat on the head, they’re willing to e-harass you for weeks.

 

Your Boss

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You call in sick so you can get liquored up with your friends (you work nights, you need to get your life together.) But what you forget is 1)You like to drunk-tweet about how awesome being drunk form drinking is, and 2)Your boss follows your twitter. Three day weekend! (And probably many more days, because you’re fired.)

 

Tom From MySpace

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He probably just sits around bitterly tweeting “We could have made Status Updates only 140 characters!” to everyone he follows.

 

Someone You Secretly Dislike

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Much like your secret crush, this person will probably realize pretty quickly that your tweets about how much you hate “someone” who seems very similar to them is, in fact, them. And that’s why you hate them, they think it’s all about them.

 

A Psychic

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Hey, they’re not psychic, they just know all this personal stuff about you because they read your way too-personal twitter feed!

 

A Grammar Nazi

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140 characters isn’t very much, so we all have to be a little liberal with our use of punctuation and proper syntax. But a grammar nazi could not be less understanding, acting like he wants to have you murdered for not keeping the language “pure”.

 

God

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Yeah yeah, you’re probably thinking that if God’s real, he can read our brains and stuff, so it doesn’t much matter if he can see the filth on our Twitter accounts. But what if that’s just what he wants you to think, and he’s using our Twitter feeds to make a running tally of just how far away we are from getting into Heaven. “Using racial slurs? That’s a point for hell. Calling Chris Brown a woman beater? That’s a point for Heaven.”

 

 

Is there anyone else who you’d be freaked out to know was following you? Do you remember the Cosmo issue this originally came from? Let us know in the comments!

 

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