8 Worst Valentine's Day Gifts
Well, it’s Valentine’s Day, and a lot of you are probably scrambling to find a last minute gift for that someone special. Just remember that it’s hard to go wrong with flowers and chocolate. These things are traditional for a reason. If you try to get too creative with Valentine’s Day, you run the risk of your romantic evening ending with your sweetheart locked in the bathroom and crying. So, keep it simple, and here are some gifts your should definitely avoid at all costs.
Did you and your sweetie pie meet at a Live Action Role-Playing event? Have you previously discussed joining a LARPing group, or searched for foam swords together online? No? Then that ship is sailed. Yes, it is an indisputable fact that bodices and codpieces are romantic as hell, but you’re either into that kind of thing, or you’re not. There’s no changing some people.
Animal Larger than A Small Dog
Animals are adorable, but here’s the deal: the larger the animal, the larger the poop. You will inevitably have to put effort into caring for this thing as well, so the smaller, the better. See if you can get away with a goldfish or dwarf hamster.
As we’ve already discussed, flowers are a great go-to gift, but many flowers are dangerous, so make sure you buy yours from a reputable florist, and don’t just pick them yourself. The last thing you want to do on Valentine’s Day is give your beloved a beautiful bouquet of deadly poison. NOTE: If your significant other is a wizard, nightshade is actually an excellent gift.
This is really not the kind of thing that you want to just spring on somebody. Doesn’t matter if you come by it the old fashioned way, or if you buy it off the Cambodian black market, you should probably save this gift for another day. Also, remember that it’s not really a “gift” if you have to pay for its college education. Also, see the poop rule discussed above.
Gift Certificate to Curves
Gym memberships of any kind are not a good idea. You may truly care about the health and wellbeing of your paramour, but they will interpret the sentiment as “you are a fat cow.” A Curves membership adds the additional insult of “you are fat and old.”
Chocolate With Bugs In It
Chocolate is another solid romantic gift that can be ruined if you try to get too fancy with it. Companies like See’s, Russell Stover, and Godiva make excellent chocolates stuffed with all sorts of delicious fillings, none of which have legs or eyes. Chocolate covered beetles don’t make you look like a savvy world traveler, they make you look like a weirdo.
Any Dead Things
Just stay away from anything dead. No taxidermied birds, no mounted fish, no whole pigs on a roasting spit. These things may be classy and/or delicious, but they are better left to a more appropriate holiday like Mother’s Day (2nd Sunday in May) or National Roast Suckling Pig Day (Dec 18th).
An Actual Heart
Unless your beloved needs a transplant, don’t get cute and show up with a genuine bloody organ. Stick to the cartoony Valentine’s shape. NOTE: If your significant other is a wizard who is attempting to summon Shatak – Mistress of the Abyssmal Slime, an actual heart is actually an excellent gift.
So there you have it. If you have gotten your sweetie anything on this list, you need to seriously reconsider. These are the kinds of gifts that are gonna get you dumped on Valentine's Day. What other gifts should people avoid giving on Valentine's Day? Let us know in the comments below!