8 WTF REAL School Mascots
The whole point of a Mascot is to instill fear in the hearts of your opponents. I don't care what you're doing. Whether it's football, mock trial, or the jump rope team, you need to have a really badass scary mascot if you have any hopes of beating your rivals and winning the support of your school. Here are the worst school mascots.
Purple Pounders (Chattanooga Central High)
This first one is on the list because it is my actual alma mater and also one of the worst mascots in the history of bad mascots. A Purple Pounder is a disembodied arm holding a hammer hitting an anvil. Also, it's something on Urban Dictionary that I don't want to repeat here because we're in polite company. They used to be called The Purple Warriors, but then changed their name because their football team was so good that they "pounded" all of the competition. And then they never won another football game. Do you know how embarrassing it is to be in a marching band for a team that goes 0-10? I do.
Morty The Eutectic (St. Louis College Of Pharmacy)
This angry looking science dude is named after a chemical process where something and something mix together to do somet... zzzzzzz... I JUST WANTED TO WATCH A BASKETBALL GAME! I DIDN'T WANT TO LEARN ANYTHING! I LOVE LIVING IN IGNORANCE!!!
The Anchorman (Rhode Island College)
If they're going to pick someone who works on a boat as their mascot, why didn't they pick someone cool like the Captains or the gun shooters. I don't really know nautical terms. I think what they should do is keep The Anchorman as their mascot, but then get Will Ferrell dressed as Ron Burgundy to show up to all of their games. They would never lose another game.
Verona Hillbilly (Verona High School)
A hillbilly in and of itself could be a pretty badass mascot. When they aren't beating up city folk, they spend the rest of their time getting drunk and shooting stuff. I'm from east Tennessee so I know how terrifying hillbillies could be. It totally makes sense for a school in the south to have this as their mascot, but Verona High School is located in New Jersey. Pick something more appropriate to your region. They should change their name to the Fightin' Snookis.
The Fighting Artichokes (Scottsdale Community College)
In the 70's, the student body of Scottsdale Community College voted to change their mascot to The Fighting Artichokes and their colors to pink and white. This college is located in the same county that famous racist Sheriff Joe Arpaio rules with his iron fist. I think it's time for a name change. They should be called the Running Immigrants.
Wonder Boys (Arkansas Tech)
This would be an awesome mascot if it was named after Tenacious D's Wonder Boy. Unfortunately it was named after "The Original Wonder Boy" John Tucker that had a monster game in 1919. At least it isn't named after the movie Wonder Boys. If that were the case, this list would just be Wonder Boys over and over.
Billiken (St. Louis University)
A billiken is a chubby little elf statue that you rub for luck. Everybody run! The billikens are coming to give us good luck! This team is called the Billiken's because it was said that one of their early football coaches looked like a billiken. They should have just named them The Fat Ugly Slobs.
Nathan Bedford Forrest (MTSU)
This might be the single most inappropriate mascot that has ever existed. Citizens of Murfreesboro may know of Nathan Bedford Forrest as the guy that saved their town from getting burned to the ground in the Civil War. Pretty much everyone else in the country knows him as the guy who Forrest Gump is named after that started a dumb club where rednecks dress up in white sheets. To be fair, MTSU changed the mascot to a dog in the 70's and then a Pegasus named Lightning in the 90's because there is no way a pegasus could ever be a racist. Right guys?
Do you think your school has a worse mascot than these? Let me know on twitter @zachlunch or in the comments below!