The 9 Different Types Of Dating
Back in the day, you knew if you were dating someone... because the village matchmaker had already arranged a betrothal. In the years after that, there was something about “getting pinned” (yup, I know my “Bye Bye Birdie”). And after that, well, it’s become a veritable free-for-all. No one “dates” anymore. Or rather, we date, but calling it “dating” is way too much of a commitment. If you want to be a cool person-to-hang-out-with, you’ll adhere to “don’t ask, don’t tell.”
I’ll level with you guys. I’m not a cool girl. I need rules, labels, some kind of algorithm to validate that I’m not a slut. So, until Obama steps in, here’s some terminology for that-time-before-Facebook-relationship. And by the way - this goes for both sexes and any sexual orientation, but I’m just gonna keep saying “him” or “he” because it’s easier.
Buddy List Favorite
You’re never more than a foot from your computer. The minute he signs on, you fall over yourself to either IM him, or (if you IM’ed him last) time how long it takes for him to IM you. You guys talk soooo much; it really helps you get through your otherwise meaningless day. He’s the one person to whom you honestly feel the obligation to write “brb-bathroom.”
But you’re both “too busy” to hang out. You probably just like the attention.
Friday I’m In Love (But Not Other Days)
You go to dinner or drinks (arranged via text) and hook up once a week, but you shouldn’t expect that text every week. You’re seeing other people too, right? While in this stage of a relationship, you’ll find yourself making a lot of tentative weekend plans with people you feel comfortable blowing off, just in case.
First Encounters Of the Awkward Kind
Your dates end with you wondering if he was leaning in for a kiss or if there was some plate tectonic activity going on which slightly altered his stance. It seems like you guys should have done more by this point. Maybe “Rango” wasn’t the best choice for a movie night. He’s probably “calling” you on the “phone” to “chat” because he thinks he should. Get drunk with him or make it stop.
Pants On the Ground
Pretty much the extent of it. You guys probably just met and have that fun infatuation thing going on. When stuff starts sneaking in, like, “Have I told you I’m unreliable?” and “I see this as a utility exchange of sex for food,” he didn’t really mean it like that. That would just be too callous/honest and... oh. Yeah, I was thinking that, too. Ends with a facebook message after three weeks of radio silence.
You come home to your roommate and describe your dates in terms of “net positive” or “net negative,” and you’re able to break down his qualities into quantitative arguments for continuing to see him. Unfortunately/confusingly, the presence of chemistry has a pretty high standard of deviation. You’ll probably start questioning your sexuality if you stay with this person.
Boys and girls CAN’T be friends - “When Harry Met Sally” promised me that. So, if you just keep waiting, that best guy/girl friend of yours will come around and make you an honest half of Monica/Chandler. Just hope it’s before we get to “My Best Friend’s Wedding”-time. Nobody wants to go through that. Also, this might never come to fruition, so you should prob keep your options open. Yeah, I know. But are you really?
Oh, and if you think he’s a Mr. Darcy, it’s more likely he’s just an a**hole.
Open 24 hours, but you wouldn’t really think to go there if there were anything else open. And it’s cheap. Usually sticky seats. And as a special treat, you could get a milkshake! (Okay, I’m done)
Hot On Yelp
Are you sure he likes you for you? Or does he like you for the places he can try with you? Keep a list of restaurants you dine at, make sure they don’t line up with the order you see on Yelp. And I mean by popularity rating OR distance from your house. Also applies if he’s only taking you to stuff for which there’s recently been a Groupon - it might just be that he doesn’t want to let “Parasailing For Two” go to waste before the expiration.
Boyfriend/Girlfriend, Boyfriends, Girlfriends, or any iteration thereof
Please. Put a ring on it already. I bet you guys “chat” on “the phone” and stuff.
What do you think? Got any more dating terms to help make sense of it all? Want to contribute to the diner double-entendre section?