9 Essential Things You Need For Summer School
Whether you’re attending summer school to get ahead of class for next year, to make up for all the classes you missed this year, or because no matter how many times your American history teacher tried to drill the right answer into your head (you still think “Marbury vs. Madison” is a boxing title bout), you’re going to need more than your wits to make it through summer school. You’re going to need ALL of these very special, very crucial items, if you want to pass
Unless you feel like writing your assignments in your own blood (an option if you are trying to impress goth chicks), you will need some good old fashioned pencils, pens, and paper. Crayons maybe too depending on how many times you've been forced to take summer school.
Everyone needs a sidekick to provide comic relief, make you look smarter by comparison and proudly exclaim “Boy, you sure showed them!” even when you somehow get your own foot stuck inside a pudding cup. Better yet, you can kick it up a notch by having a ROBOT sidekick, complete with lasers and jetpack and inviso-shield and everything you’re now wishing you learned to make in shop class.
Racing Stripe Clothes
Nothing makes it look like you’re working faster than the rest of your class than sporting racing stripes on all your clothes. And for those times when you want to look extra speedy, just attach an ambulance siren on top of your head and constantly yell, "Out of my way!" After all, to be a success you have to look like a success.
Make a sock puppet. Place sock puppet on hand. Repeatedly punch hand into wall. Determine lingering effects on sock puppet’s speech pattern. Submit findings to school for science project. See how long it takes for school to put you under the care of a doctor. Spend rest of summer having fun in special classroom, playing Jenga and giggling. (I'M KIDDING! DON'T REALLY DO THIS DUMMY!)
Your Own Theme Song
Nothing gets you out of bed and sets the mood for the day like your own theme song, played by no less than a 40-piece orchestra (which can follow you on foot or must be dragged by float, depending on the number of seated cellists). The orchestra can even play incidental music throughout your school day, including the jaunty “Wandering the School Halls,” the dramatic “Oh Sh*t, That Was Due to Today?!” and the mournful “Getting’ Beaten Senseless Because It’s a Wednesday.”
A Gross of Pancakes
How many times has a classmate yelled, "Pancake fight!" only for you to discover you have nothing to throw? Well, with 144 pancakes at the ready not only are you more than prepared for such an eventuality but you also have enough left over to build a delicious—if sticky—school desk fort for your action figures. (Note: Also bring action figures.)
They say those with pets lead happier, more peaceful and thus more productive lives. They say those with large, winged, ravenous raptors on their arm during math class pretty much can say the quadratic formula is “e=mc squared” and get not only an A+ but also have first dibs on the teacher’s chair, lunch or car.
By the end of the first week of summer school you’ll know if you’re at the top of the social ladder or the bottom of the unpopularity ditch. If it’s the latter then you’ll need to create an alter-ego, one who can not only win over the cool kids, but also chat you up as well. Of course, there’s always the chance that your alter-ago will think you’re a loser too, and want nothing to do with you, causing a severe psychotic break that will force you to miss all of summer school and have to attend two different schools at the same time in the fall just to make up for it.
Hot Air Balloon
Sometimes you need an escape from school. But while you may need a permission slip to leave by foot or car, no one can stop you from grabbing a waiting rope outside a classroom window and departing via balloon to cheers, disbelief and a scientist teacher muttering, “At least he learned something about helium this semester.” Plus, if you get the right tailwind, you could wind up in a land of munchkins who’ll mistake you for a wizard—or an enemy that must be shot down. Either way, you get to travel this summer!