10 Animals You Should NOT Take Dating Advice From

I don't know about you but I'm obsessed with watching Animal Planet and any kind of documentary that focuses on our fascinating fellow species. There are a lot of things we can learn from animals. Dating tips are NOT on that list. Here's why.

 

Hippos

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Needless to say Hippos are filthy, well...pigs. I mean they pretty much lie around in mud all day, so what do you expect? But I have seen even the grossest of guys land chicks despite their filthy hygiene habits...especially amongst the nouveaux Hippie set. But hippos take it one step further. To 'attract' a mate, they poo themselves and then use their tails to fling it around. No girl would ever put up with that! Even if they're attending a Phish reunion concert.

 

White-Fronted Parrots

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Imagine getting into a hot and heavy make-out session with a guy and mid-kiss he barfs in your mouth? Well if you've ever dated a white-fronted parrot or a d-bag frat boy you probably don't have to imagine. And let me just say...he did not get a second date.

 

Anglerfish

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The male anglerfish is basically a parasite who leaches off of his lady love. No girl wants to date a guy who's constantly borrowing her car and bogarting the X-Box. Unless she's got the face of an anglerfish...then you can bogart away! But isn't getting a job easier than kissing that mug?

 

 

Giraffes

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How does a male giraffe get a lady interested in him? He basically tickles her until he makes her go pee pee. I'm pretty sure you would be charged with assault if you tried that. Unless you did it by giving her a jumbo Big Gulp of her favorite beverage and then made her laugh so hard she peed herself. This may work on Fergie, the only female alive not completely humiliated after wetting her pants in public.

 

Dolphins

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Did you know a dolphin has the coolest penis around? It is retractable and it can swivel! In fact the dolphin can use it as a hand...WHA? But as far as smooth moves with the ladies go, he has absolutely no game. Let's just say that being the fastest at something isn't always a good thing. So do not be like a dolphin, because you don't have the super impressive hand-penis as a back up. 

 

Brown Antechinus

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This adorable little marsupial is like The Situation of the animal kingdom. It will get with any female that moves. And it will keep gettin' until it literally drops dead. So don't do that, unless you're The Situation. You can keep trying 'til you're dying. I kid, I kid.

 

Porcupines

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Not much I can say here, without getting a little R-rated...so, let's just say that R.Kelly would approve.

 

Clownfish

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Did you know that when a female clownfish dies, her boyfriend basically gets a sex change? Getting in touch with your feminine side is a good thing. But if you're a dude who likes being a dude, becoming a female is...a little drastic, no? 

 

Manakins

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Male Manakins are like the Michael Jackson of the animal kingdom. They attract the opposite sex with a bada** bird moonwalk. You will probably just look like a drunken doofus, so don't even attempt it. Just ask a girl to dance to Beyonce's Halo and then rock back and forth with her. Chicks love that crap!

 

Bonobos

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You might think you wanna be like a bonobo because these apes are always getting some--any time, any place! But I don't recommend trying that technique in the human world. If you're in a fight with your girlfriend and you suggest a make-out session, she'll probably smack you! Although come to think of it, this technique would definitely work on guys...so go for it ladies!

What are your favorite animal mating habits? Let us know in the comments!