Babies: The New Underage Drinkers
Forget global warming and the crashing economy—the new worldwide epidemic is drunken babies. That’s right, underage drinking has reached a new low.
It can be really tough to tell if a baby has a drinking problem because they fall down all the time, talk in slurred, unintelligible speech and can’t say the alphabet forward, let alone backward.
So how do you know if a baby has been hitting the sauce too hard? Here are some tell tale signs for parents to watch for.
1. He Drains The Glass
You know there’s a problem if a baby throws a tantrum when you take away his beer stein when it has even the smallest of swallows left. What’s next? Drinking the dregs of other people’s cocktails?
2. He Hangs With A Dangerous Crowd
Peer pressure can be intense. If you think your baby is spending too much time with wrong kind of friends, it’s time to put on the brakes. The next thing you know, they'll be knocking over liquor stores for Kahlua and milk.
3. She Passes Out In A Pile Of Empties
It’s embarrassing enough when adults pass out in a sea of empty beer bottles and cans, but when your baby does it, it’s downright mortifying. What will the other moms think when they realize your baby can’t hold his/her liquor?
4. She Wakes Up In Strange Places
Look, a beer or two around naptime is normal, but if your baby is hitting the hard stuff HARD, you may want to consider a baby AA meeting.
5. She Drinks First Thing In The Morning
After a night of heavy drinking, even babies want the hair of the dog when they first wake up. If your baby is reaching for booze before 12 noon, there’s a problem. She should at least stay sober until the afternoon Mommy & Me class.
6. He'd Rather Drink Than Play With Toys
Drunken babies don’t play with rattles or toys, they lose interest in most baby activities and reach for the bottle every time. But the biggest problem is that they are drinking out of glass bottles… everyone knows that beer cans are better toys because you can stack them in huge pyramids. How else is he going to learn hand-eye coordination?
7. He Needs More And More Booze To Get Drunk
If your baby’s excessive drinking has increased his tolerance to the point that he needs a bottle that’s even bigger than he is, it’s time for rehab. Betty Ford should have a clinic for baby drunks…
8. He Asks For Expensive Liquor For His Birthday
Babies don’t have much money, so they can usually only afford the really cheap stuff, like Night Train or Boone’s Farm. Oftentimes an alcoholic baby’s birthday wish list will include top-shelf liquor they can’t normally afford. Strained beets and formula work well as mixers.
9. He Starts Smoking
Heavy drinkers almost always smoke, too. If your baby crawls around the kitchen floor with a cig in his/her mouth, looking for a light, then you know it’s time for a 12-step program; perhaps you should call the Intervention Specialists.
10. He Starts Drinking Pabst Blue Ribbon
Pabst Blue Ribbon is the preferred beer of hipsters everywhere, so if your baby starts chugging it, he's worse than an alcoholic, he's a tiny little douche.
Do you know a baby with a drinking problem? Tell us all about it in the comments. Out of respect to the program please keep the baby's identity anonymous.