The Biggest Movie Merchandise Fails
Movies never really end even after the credits roll and the usher locks you in the theater for the night. They live on in our minds, in our conversations, and in the assorted tie-in crap we buy. But the following movie merchandise doesn’t so much recapture the excitement of their films as destroy any fond memories you may have had of them.
Jar Jar Binks Lollipop
I actually have this lollipop. That is to say, I STILL have this lollipop, 13 years after I was given it as a gift. That’s because when one gets a Jar Jar Binks lollipop, one doesn’t immediately unwrap it and go to town, ramming its tart tongue down one’s throat as some look away in horror and others perhaps stare, admiring your technique or inability to realize a grave snack error. No, you place a Jar Jar Binks lollipop on a shelf so you can look upon it in shock from afar. Then you place it in a drawer when you realize all your guests are also looking at it, then you, then back at it, wondering when your love of “Star Wars” went from “geek appreciation” to “cry for companionship.”
When people went to see “Watchmen”—or considered seeing it until they read the reviews—few probably looked upon the naked, blue Dr. Manhattan and thought, “ribbed or lubricated?” But clearly somebody did, resulting in what probably started out as a fun public health giveaway and ended up as a reminder that the movie almost got an NC-17 rating. It also inadvertently promoted “Watchmen” as the most awkward date night movie since the “no one gets out alive” director’s cut of “Alvin and the Chipmunks.” On the other hand, though, it did show the producers thought people who would see a three-hour film adaptation of a graphic novel had as good a chance as anyone of getting lucky…until they showed up for their date dressed as Nite Owl.
Triumphant in the face of constant adversity. Willing to stand up to spirit-crushing authority. Able to take out a squirrel’s eye with an arrow. These are not the traits one usually associates with Barbie, who is more commonly summed up by the phrases “dream house,” “dream car,” and “dream lipo.” But here we are, looking at a doll that seems to miss the entire point of the story unless you look at it from the Capitol’s perspective. Still, better little girls get a Barbie doll that supposed to represent courage, independence, and intelligence rather than 1992’s “Teen Talk Barbie,” which famously proclaimed, “Math class is tough!”
Star Trek Urn
Featuring one of two inscriptions—“To boldly go” or “The voyage continues” (but sadly not “Live long and prosper”)—the Star Trek Urn is an example of when movie producers won’t let go of their target market, even after they’ve keeled over on their keyboard and their forehead keeps typing “6666666666666” where their credit card number should go. But even if you are such a fan of “Star Trek” that you would wish to show your allegiance long after your death, please remember it’s your loved ones who will have to look at what essentially appears to be a Starfleet Academy jack-in-the-box, wondering if Kirk or Picard’s head could spring out of it at any moment.
C-3PO Tape Dispenser
Well, at least he looks like he’s having fun. Yes, we’ve already covered “Star Wars” at the top of this article, but did we mention just how much of the movie’s merchandise seemed intent on making people uncomfortable or suggesting just how raunchy Episodes VII through IX could one day be? Still, if you’ve been looking for a way to add some fun to your office while proudly proclaiming that you have not yet ruled out doing it with a robot, then this is certainly the desk accessory for you.
At some point we’ve all dreamed about being a superhero. But has anyone ever dreamed about smelling like a superhero? Would you stink of sweat? Or gamma rays? Or whatever they use to bathe themselves in Asgard? (I’m thinking a mix of Lever 2000 and lutefisk.) Well, no need to dream anymore! Because with just a splash of Hulk’s “Smash” (tagline “Be angry”), Captain America’s “Patriot” (tagline “Your attack plan”) or Hawkeye’s “Replaceable” (tagline “Arrows are pointy”), you can feel what it’s like to be an Avenger…until the burning skin rashes, since no reputable cologne company would ever make these things.
What other series' could potentially replace Harry Potter? Let us know in the comments!