Breaking Down The New Twilight: Breaking Dawn 2 Trailer!

I've seen a lot of things I don't understand. The Aurora Borealis. Lizards re-growing their own severed tails. The entire first season of The Wire. But I don't know if I've ever seen anything I've understood less than the new Twilight trailer.

So let's see if I can—We're breaking down the brand new Twilgiht: Breaking Dawn Part 2 trailer!

 

 


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So what? Is this movie about a forest or something?

 

 


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Hey, it's Kristen Stewart! I like her. She's got spunk.

 

 


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Kristen Stewart says that after being ordinary for 18 years, she can finally shine.

 

 


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It's pretty cool that she needed a man to finally shine.

 

 


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"Now we're the same temperature." This main vampire here is a real creep.

 

 


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But then the girl from Lost has to tell the Vampire Boss something IMPORTANT.

 

 


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Kristen Stewart and Main Vampire had a BABY. Which is... a crime?

 

 


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Vampire Boss is not pleased.

 

 


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He all "Guuuuurl".

 

 


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I straight up can't understand Main Vampire here. It sounds like he says "Spend the bar, the bowl tray think wren's name day is no more than a child."

 

 


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And seemingly, in an attempt to counter the slurred speech of Main Vampire, Kristen Stewart annunciates ever syllable. "She. Was. BORN. Not bitten. She grows. EVERY single day.

 

 


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Then Vampire Boss goes "Oh my!" before he runs off to a wine and cheese tasting.

 

 


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In voice-over, Vampire Boss says "Maintaining our secret has never been more imperative." So then this trailer's editors must have said to each other "Guys! How do we show secrets?!"

 

 


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"Envelopes are pretty secret."

 

 


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"Little girls making secretive gestures are secret."

 

 


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Yeah, this is a scary villain. I'm worried he's going to finger-snap me to death.

 

 


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Your movie's conflict is pretty serious when people be puttin' up they hoods.

 

 


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This arbitrary girl is pretty scared...

 

 


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...OF ALL THE HOODS. You guys hiding some wicked acne under there or what's the deal?

 

 


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Mm, sorry. I think I have a thing that day.

 

 


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Here Main Vampire tells some people that maybe they can convince the Volturi to listen. I'm thinkin' the Volturi are the bad guys.

 

 


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Oh boy! Road trip!

 

 


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I think these are the people who Main Vampire wants to talk the bad guys out of being bad guys.

 

 


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So far this movie seems like it's going to be driving and conversations.

 

 


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Hey, Thor's in this movie! Maybe at the end Samuel L. Jackson will recruit Kristen Stewart.

 

 


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"A lot of red eyes around here."

 

 


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"Shut up narc."

 

 


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EPIC conversations. EPIC driving.

 

 


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Get out of here, Legend of Korra.

 

 


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Lionsgate is literally already talking about a reboot.

 

 


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So we've got good guys...

 

 


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...we've got werewolves...

 

 


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...and we've even got Kristen Stewart...

 

 


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Against a finalist from Project Runway.

 

 


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Boy, you fast.

 

 


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THERE ARE STRAIGHT UP LIKE TWENTY PEOPLE.
This epic conclusion is less populated than an intramural dodgeball game at the adult rec center.

 

 


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Far more determination than that lame Vampire Boss deserves.

 

 


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Breaking Dawn 2! Coming to theaters!

 

 


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Tweet about it if you want. Whatever.

 

Are you going to see The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 2? Are you going to tweet about it using the hashtag #BreakingDawn? Let me know on twitter @mikeyfromsu or in the comments below!

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