Breaking Down The New Twilight: Breaking Dawn 2 Trailer!
I've seen a lot of things I don't understand. The Aurora Borealis. Lizards re-growing their own severed tails. The entire first season of The Wire. But I don't know if I've ever seen anything I've understood less than the new Twilight trailer.
So let's see if I can—We're breaking down the brand new Twilgiht: Breaking Dawn Part 2 trailer!
So what? Is this movie about a forest or something?
Hey, it's Kristen Stewart! I like her. She's got spunk.
Kristen Stewart says that after being ordinary for 18 years, she can finally shine.
It's pretty cool that she needed a man to finally shine.
"Now we're the same temperature." This main vampire here is a real creep.
But then the girl from Lost has to tell the Vampire Boss something IMPORTANT.
Kristen Stewart and Main Vampire had a BABY. Which is... a crime?
Vampire Boss is not pleased.
He all "Guuuuurl".
I straight up can't understand Main Vampire here. It sounds like he says "Spend the bar, the bowl tray think wren's name day is no more than a child."
And seemingly, in an attempt to counter the slurred speech of Main Vampire, Kristen Stewart annunciates ever syllable. "She. Was. BORN. Not bitten. She grows. EVERY single day.
Then Vampire Boss goes "Oh my!" before he runs off to a wine and cheese tasting.
In voice-over, Vampire Boss says "Maintaining our secret has never been more imperative." So then this trailer's editors must have said to each other "Guys! How do we show secrets?!"
"Envelopes are pretty secret."
"Little girls making secretive gestures are secret."
Yeah, this is a scary villain. I'm worried he's going to finger-snap me to death.
Your movie's conflict is pretty serious when people be puttin' up they hoods.
This arbitrary girl is pretty scared...
...OF ALL THE HOODS. You guys hiding some wicked acne under there or what's the deal?
Mm, sorry. I think I have a thing that day.
Here Main Vampire tells some people that maybe they can convince the Volturi to listen. I'm thinkin' the Volturi are the bad guys.
Oh boy! Road trip!
I think these are the people who Main Vampire wants to talk the bad guys out of being bad guys.
So far this movie seems like it's going to be driving and conversations.
Hey, Thor's in this movie! Maybe at the end Samuel L. Jackson will recruit Kristen Stewart.
"A lot of red eyes around here."
"Shut up narc."
EPIC conversations. EPIC driving.
Get out of here, Legend of Korra.
Lionsgate is literally already talking about a reboot.
So we've got good guys...
...we've got werewolves...
...and we've even got Kristen Stewart...
Against a finalist from Project Runway.
Boy, you fast.
THERE ARE STRAIGHT UP LIKE TWENTY PEOPLE.
This epic conclusion is less populated than an intramural dodgeball game at the adult rec center.
Far more determination than that lame Vampire Boss deserves.
Breaking Dawn 2! Coming to theaters!
Tweet about it if you want. Whatever.
Are you going to see The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 2? Are you going to tweet about it using the hashtag #BreakingDawn? Let me know on twitter @mikeyfromsu or in the comments below!