6 Cartoon Creatures That Should Get Their Own Monster Films
Cartoon characters are often seen as lovable. Huggable. Merchandisable. They are meant to make people happy and comfortable, and if they can do that by also selling themselves as plush dolls or bed sheets, all the better. But some cartoon creatures have just enough menace, just enough insanity behind their beady eyes, that they can be perfectly cast as the main reason everyone is screaming and filming with a shaky camera in their very own monster movie…
Abominable Snow Monster
Tagline: “They removed his teeth. But they forgot all about his claws.”
Plot: SPOILER ALERT FOR AN ALMOST 50-YEAR-OLD CARTOON: At the end of “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer” the once greatly feared Abominable Snow Monster has all his teeth removed thanks to an unlicensed dentist and an era when the description “forcibly yanks out his molars with rusty pliers” in a holiday cartoon would not grab the attention of TV censors in the least. After that the Abominable is considered completely harmless, welcomed into elf society, and given the job of placing the star on top of Santa’s Christmas tree. But since that position requires all of 30 seconds of work each year, the Snow Monster grows bored. And grows weary of eating nothing but strained sugar plumbs. And grows its claws longer and longer and longer until the blood thirst and bloodletting combine in the one monster movie that finally shows what happens to Santa when he’s been naughty.
Old Man Withers
Tagline: “Behind the slide projector and Party City costume lies the REAL monster.”
Plot: Whenever the monster in a “Scooby Doo” episode is revealed to be a just person wearing a costume hoping to cash in on a real estate scam, what happens to them next? We find out as the gang drives Old Man Withers—after he tried to scare everyone away from the “haunted” amusement park—to his new cell in Rikers while Fred cheerfully informs him, “Those convicts are going to tear into you like a Chinese buffet.” But as the Mystery Machine makes its way to the prison and the Scooby Gang argues over how to spend the bounty money on something other than ascots and munchies, the manacled Old Man Withers’ eyes start to glow as his human skin begins to slide off, revealing what the real costume was all the long…and what the real horror will be now.
Lumpy Space Princess
Tagline: “It’s kinda like lame. Whatevs. Augh.”
Plot: Imagine “Interview with a Vampire” if the main character was spoiled, sarcastic, constantly texted, resembled a wad of Grape Bubble Yum someone stepped in, and was, like, super pissed at her parents. Then you would have a sense of Lumpy Space Princess’s monster movie, in which she bites everyone around her, turning them into rude, bratty lumps who really, really, REALLY want to go to the prom. The movie ends when all the transformed characters are too self-involved and apathetic to give a damn whether or not the movie ends…until they all realize in a sheer panic that means no one will be paying attention to them anymore.
Tagline: “HE SHOULDN’T BE!!!”
Plot: Low-budget horror films are full of villains that are nothing more than “possessed” inanimate objects the filmmakers didn’t have to pay, direct, or engage in passive-aggressive badmouthing with on Twitter—laundry machines, refrigerators, beds. So it only makes sense that sooner or later some C-grade movie would cast a gumball machine as its monster. And if that gumball machine is competent, organized, and given to fits of rage, all the better to…well, no one exactly knows how a gumball machine would viciously attack or even mildly threaten mankind. In fact, given that its brain is encased in fragile glass and anyone can eventually empty out its life essence a quarter and a twist at a time, the real horror of the film is when this monster would slip and shatter or get so boiling mad that it slowly blows a gum bubble in its own head before it explodes, causing it to bleed out spare change as the end credits roll.
Tagline: “Don’t touch his special area.”
Plot: What if “Friday the 13th” or “Halloween” starred as its killer the one child even his father proudly says, “the special schools are all over”? Ralph Wiggum may seem dim to the point his brain is nothing more than two neurons in a slipknot, but he also likes to start fires. Fires a leprechaun tells him to ignite in the hopes Ralph “burns them all.” He also has access to the largest cache of weapons in town thanks to the fact his father is both the Chief of Police and a resounding idiot. Put that together—along with his inability to tell fact apart from fiction and the belief his shoulder is his “special place”—and you have a character who is just one breakdown away from gleefully watching Springfield turn to ash as he comments to the charred bodies that his cat’s breath smells like cat food.
Tagline: “The laugh. Oh God, that laugh…”
Plot: Borrowing a plot line from the original “Godzilla” movie, the United States nuclear weapons tests around Bikini Atoll from 1946 to 1958 completely irradiate the surrounding water. But little did the U.S. realize all that radiation created a society deep below called Bikini Bottom, where the sea creatures now talk and have jobs and slowly wait out their time for revenge. Until the day one yellow, porous denizen with an evil, maniacal laugh that could cause souls to shrivel climbs atop his snail Gary, raises his hamburger spatula, points it to the surface of the water, and screams, “ATAAAAAAAAAAAACK!!!”
Which one was your favorite? Let me know in the comments!