Celebrities I Wish Would Adopt Me

While shopping at Barnes and Noble with the gift card my parents got me for Christmas, I realized something: I hate my parents. Books? What a bad Christmas gift. But then I saw this:

I started to think about what it'd be like if Khloe Kardashian adopted me. I probably would've gotten an iPad. So that got me thinking - what other celebrities would I want to adopt me? My only criteria is that they never give me a stupid gift card for stupid books.

 

Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise

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The perfect parent combination! My dad could teach me how to Ghost Protocol and my mom could teach me how to have feelings in a boat.

 

The Black Keys

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Children are always cooler than their parents by default. Being adopted by the Black Keys would inherently make me the coolest person on the planet.

 

That guy who's playing The Hobbit. You know. What's his name

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I figure if that Hobbit guy adopted me he'd tell me his name. As it is now, I see him in, like, everything and I can never think of his name and I'm all like "Ugh what is that dude's name?" and it's driving me nuts!

 

Angelina Jolie

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At this point Angelina Jolie has adopted so many kids that she wouldn't notice another one, so you would basically get free access to that crazy Tomb Raider fortune. It's like winning the lottery, but in exchange for your winnings you have to give up any sort of hope for parental love and affection for the rest of your life. I call that a winning bargain!

 

Clooney

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C'mon man. It's Clooney. I'd drop my real parents AND any celebrities that have adopted me just to get a drink with Clooney, you know? Maybe I'd leave my hand on the bar and he would brush it with his as he reached for his drink. Maybe he'd let two of his fingers linger for a moment longer than society says he should. Ahh, now that would be a Christmas gift. Clooooney.

 

That girl who plays the Girl with the Dragon Tattoo

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Does anyone feel like they've been getting mugged a lot lately? Just this week I've been mugged on my way to school, at the Blockbuster clearance sale, in the Wal-Mart pet food section, in my own apartment, and Yogurtland. If I was adopted by this Dragon Tattoo lady I like to think she would teach me how to beat up guys or at least bottle up the feelings of powerlessness I find myself left with. I was literally just mugged for my Barnes and Noble gift card just as I left the store.

 

Which celebrity would you most like to be adopted by? Or are your biological parents just fine? Can you ever really be happy settling with just your biological parents? Hmm. Let us know in the comments.

 

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