The Chicken's Guide to Waterparks
Do your friends love water parks? Do you pretend you do, even though you value your elbows, and your elbows will almost certainly get scraped on the panels of those claustrophobia-inducing slides? Does the possibility of a steep drop into a watery pit conjure up an increased awareness of your own mortality? If you’ve answered yes to all those questions (and/or are bored on the internet), then we have the guide for you! Here’s how to do a water park… for the chicken who's proud of it.
Hang By The Wave Pool
Hanging at the shallow end of the wave pool is a great way to trick your friends into thinking you’re a badass (or at least a “fun guy”). Since everyone will be floating all over the place, it’ll be hard for them to pinpoint the point at which you arrived in the easy-to-tread zone and/or how long you will remain there. Did you drift from a big Kahuna? Or did you intentionally walk and plant yourself on the solid ground, steadfast in the face of everyone else’s submersion? Nobody needs to know.
Wear Water Shoes
Water shoes are a “do.” Sure, you’ll probably get a blister and some snickers, but your toes will remain intact, protected from the harsh reality of the flume ride carelessly dumping you into a not-deep-enough pool. And while we’re at it: you do NOT know what foot diseases lurk in the kid-friendly waters. Water shoes allow for at least a psychologically appeasing layer between you and the fungi.
Stop At The Inevitable Nearby Fudge Shop
There’s going to be a fudge shop on the way, so make sure your car stops there. At least then you’ll have fudge. See also: Saltwater Taffy Counter.
The Lazy River Is Your Friend
Finally, a ride designed with you in mind! Kill a solid hour on this float-and-sunbathe “ride,” meet some like-minded people, and emerge with new friends and a wet bottom. There, you did have fun at the water park. PRO-TIP: Make sure not to go with a friend who thinks it’s funny to tip people over. It’s not.
Invite A Short Person
The little guy won’t be tall enough to board the scarier rides, and he’ll need a hero to hang back with him. That’s where you and your pocketful of fudge come in. Chin up, buddy, let’s go see the animatronics sing the country music.
Just Do It
You know the phrase, “If you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em”? Go on all the horrifying slides right away. You WILL get hurt on one of them. It’s you we’re talking about; it’s bound to happen. And then forevermore, you’ll be able to speak from a place of experience when you say you don’t enjoy those rides. You aren’t scared… you’re just sane.
Any other tips for the scaredy-cats among us? Write them in the comments!