Common Household Items That Should Be Items In Mario Kart

Mario Kart 7 was released for the Nintendo 3DS this week, and it adds a lot of new items to the series like tanooki Tails and Fire Flowers. But these are items from the already existing Mario Universe; aren't we ready for some completely new items? So, I took a passing glance around my apartment and made a list of stuff and thought to myself "You know, that would be good to have if I was driving a car ahead of a dinosaur and a giant gorilla." I spend a surprising amount of time thinking about that, actually.

 

Blender

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If you got the Blender, you would throw it at an opponent's car and, if it hit, they would just have a blender in their front seat for the rest of the race. While there are no measurable effects of having a blender in your front seat during a race in Mario Kart, if the driver is anything like me, they'll look at it every once in a while and wonder what would happen if they just put their hand inside and turned it on. And then they wonder what it says about them that they think that way. Existential conflict isn't beneficial when you're trying to navigate Wario Colosseum.

 

All those ads on the refrigerator from local pizza restaurants

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Connect with the all those ads from your refridgerator for local pizza restaurants and your opponent will be unable to concentrate on the road- they'll be trying so hard to determine if it's a better deal to order from one of these wretched, filthy places instead of ordering from wretched, filthy Pizza Hut.

 

Kitchen knife holder

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There ain't anything cutesy or ironic about this one. It's just hurling sharp, deadly knives at baby dinosaurs and mushroom people.

 

The spatula that got melted when you left it too close to the heat when you were cooking that egg thing that one time

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Whoever you hit with the melted spatula will drive slower as they'll be overcome with a sense of pity for you because, man, just buy a new spatula already.

 

Old sponge

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It's much harder to navigate the turns of Rainbow Road when you're bobbling a sponge in your hands going "Ew gross oh my God why don't you just buy a new one oh my God so gross gross gross".

 

Wildfire, the wicked liquid source of fire crafted by the secret alchemist's guild

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I think this common household item would be a good addition to Mario Kart, as its' magic green flames burn its' victims into nothingness.

 

Jar of Honey

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Honey could be used to stick other racers together, which doesn't seem like ti would be a big deal until you get everyone honeyed together in a Voltron-like clump and come across a blue shell. Then, with one swift stroke, you can absolutely destroy the entire kart racing population. On the negative side, though, you'll spend the rest of your life regretful that you used such a weapon on your fellow racers. Yes yes, there's an argument to be made that using the honey/ blue shell bomb ultimately saved Mushroom Kingdom lives, sparing so many from a fruitless red shell/ lightning bolt battle, but at the end of the day, at least SEVEN RACERS were hit with that Blue Shell. And those racers will never get their first place spot back. You try sleeping with that knowledge, Luigi. You try!

 

What have you got sitting around that should end up in one of those giant question blocks? Let us know in the comments!

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