Daily Tasks Sonic The Hedgehog Does Faster Than The Rest of Us

Everything Mario does, from blasting onto airships to jumping on flagpoles, he does with a joy, a passion that is felt with every jump, every "wahoo"! Sonic the Hedgehog, by contrast, has a continual smirk and seems cynical, embittered. Why is it so hard for Sonic to find the joy in his life that Mario does? Maybe an examination of his daily habits, that he does just so goddamn fast, will give us some answers.

 

Daily deuce

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Every morning Sonic is quick to let the baby animals out of the tank, if you know what I mean. I'm not actually sure what I mean, but this is far too disgusting to keep talking about.

 

Morning jog

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Since it's pretty much his core competency, Sonic runs a :10 second mile every morning. He also uses an iPhone app that tracks his run time and post it to Facebook, which wouldn't be so douche-y if he didn't tag Big the Cat in each post to "motivate him".

 

Shaving

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This is the first of many daily tasks that Sonic should take more time with. He often nicks himself and leaves the sink full of rings.

 

Breakfast

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Sonic usually stops at 7/11 for a sausage biscuit and coffee smoothie. Sure, it's fast, but is it good? Now wonder Sonic feels as bad as he does. No person on Earth has ever had a good day after they've set foot in a 7/11.

 

Tweeting

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Sonic doesn't get that you're more likely to get favorites if you spend some time on your tweets.

 

Catch with his son(?)

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Whenever Sonic is outside with Tails, he can't help but feel the neighbor's eyes on him. He knows they know that Tails is a fox with two tails. He knows they know there is a male fox down the street with two tails who works from home. But the root of this anxiety isn't what the neighbors are thinking, it's what Sonic himself is thinking. And that's why time spent in public with his quote unquote "son" must be kept to a minimum.

 

Questioning the purpose of his existence on the planet Earth

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It happens nightly, just as he falls asleep, and for only a moment. A moment never long enough. "Yes, I can run fast, but what am I running from?"

 

What steps do you think Sonic could take to find a lasting happiness? Let us know in the comments below!

 

Check out Sonic Tries a New Career!