Daniel Radcliffe's Loneliest Valentine's Day
Daniel Radcliffe woke up on Valentine's Day the way he woke up every day. Alone. He checked his facebook account. Still no friends. What was wrong? He had starred in... even he didn't know how many Harry Potter movies. Why wouldn't anyone love him? He sighed and scratched his chin thoughtfully. He looked down at his hands, they looked like they were made for hugging. But there was no one to hug.
Daniel walked over to his window and looked out. Down on the street couples were walking together, holding hands, hands in each other's pockets, hands in each other's mouths. There was a restaurant below Daniel Radcliffe's apartment and from his vantage point about he could watch as a woman chewed a mouthful of meat until it was soft enough, then pulled it out of her mouth and gently fed the chewed meat to her husband. He wanted that kind of love.
Daniel Radcliffe fled from the window, the back of his hand on his forehead, in a gesture of pure woe, and pushed the secret button behind the giant poster of himself he had over his bed.
He ran downstairs into his ice caves. Where he always went to be alone and think.
Deep in the ice caves Daniel Radcliffe sat. It was quiet in the ice caves and he could think. The only noise was his beautiful Tiger manservant Lycra, which he had created using genetic splicing techniques to clean up after him when he spilled stuff.
"Grrowwwll! Whhatttsssss wroonnggggg masssssszzzzsturrrrr?!?!?!?" Lycra bellowed.
"Nothin' Lycra. I'm just lonely."
"Woulldldddddd Masssuzzzzteerrr?!!!!! GROWWELLLLLLLL!!!! Wuuldddd Massttuuurrrr Likeeeee aaaa Snaccckkkkkk?"
"No thanks Lycra. I just wish I had friends. Then I could play spin the bottle and I wouldn't have to end up kissing my own hand like I always do."
"Bututtttt Massszzzztuurrrrrrr uuuuuu DOOOOOOOOO GROWWWLLLLLLL UUUUU DOOOOOOO have a FRIennnDdddddd I MMM uRRrr Friendddd!!" Lycra growled.
And it was then that Daniel Radcliffe realized that Lycra was right. Lycra was his friend. He wasn't alone on Valentine's Day after all! Daniel Radcliffe ran to hug Lycra, and then invite him to go on a picnic. And that was when Lycra began to melt. Oh no! Since Daniel Radcliffe had made the half human half tiger by playing God and splicing together elements in nature that don't normally go together, Lycra was very unstable and was bound to dis-incorporate at some point.
At first Daniel Radcliffe was sad staring down at the puddle that used to be his only friend, but then he remembered, "Hey, I can just make another Lycra! I can make a bunch of Lycras! And then I'll never be lonely again!"
What other half-animal half-human creatures should Daniel Radcliffe make to be his friends? Tell us in the comments!