Dating Advice From Cartoon Characters
We've been getting tons of unsolicited e-mails from people asking for dating advice. I know that I'm no expect on dating so I figured I'd turn the questions over to some of our favorite cartoon characters. They seem like they have their lives together much better than I do. Here is dating advice from cartoon characters.
Finn The Human (Adventure Time)
My boyfriend is such a wimp. Everytime there is any kind of bug in the apartment, he jumps up on the table and start screaming like a harpy until I kill it. It doesn't matter how small they are. He's even afraid of ants. How can I get him to be more brave? - Sarah (Orlando, Florida)
"Oh, man. Sounds like you need to dump that dude and find yourself a real hero. If he can't even defeat an ant then how is he supposed to protect your from the Ultra Mega-Ant? Every princess deserves to have someone who can take care of you. Oh, wait. Unless you're the hero and he's the princess in the relationship. Dude! MODERN GENDER ROLES ARE SO CONFUSING!
Mrs. Potts (Beauty and the Beast)
I just started dating this girl and she's coming over soon for dinner. What beverage do you think I should serve with dessert? - Andy (Walla Walla, Washington)
With dessert, she'll want tea, and my dear that's fine with me. While the cups do their soft shoeing, I'll be bubbling. I'll be brewing. Just don't brew up green tea cause it give gas. It gives gas. It gives gas. It gives gas.
Zorak (Space Ghost)
I recently joined an on-line dating site, and I've been talking to this one guy I like a lot on it. He wants to meet. I know it's dumb because we live in 2013, but I still feel a little weird about meeting someone off the internet. Am I crazy for wanting to meet him? - Tamra (Excelsior Springs, Missouri)
Of course you should meet him. Are you a moron? You should take any opportunity you can get to bite off a mate's head and lay eggs in his stomach. Once you finish gestating your brood, you can conquer the Earth. MWa ha ha ha ha!
I have really strong feelings for my best friend's girl. It's driving me crazy. Should I keep quiet or tell her and risk awkwardness? - Will (Murfreesboro, TN)
Just tell her, bub. The best case scenario is that she decides that she likes you back and you have a wonderful and happy life together. The worst case scenario is that she'll be possessed by a space alien that ultimately destroys her, and then you move to Japan to try get over her. Why not go for it?
I've become suspicious that my boyfriend might be cheating on me. He keeps making secretive plans, and the other day one of my friends saw him out at a night club when he was supposed to be at the library studying. How do I find out if he's cheating on me? - Molly (Silver City, New Mexico)
I know that whenever I'm suspicious of Tygra I use my sixth sense to look in to the past to see if he's cheated on me and the future to see if he ever will cheat on me. So far, I haven't caught him doing anything wrong. If I ever did, I'd probably tell him we're going to Disneyland and then really take him to the vet to get him neutered.
Plankton (Spongebob Squarepants)
"I've been single for a while and I really want to meet a nice girl that gets along with me. What's the best way to meet your soul mate?" - Ronald (Waterloo, Iowa)
Meeting someone is over-rated. In this day and age, how are two people really supposed to connect and have anything in common? What you need to do is make your soul-mate. A custom built soul-mate will have the exact specifications you're looking for in a woman. And the best part is, you can turn her off when she yells at you!
My boyfriend and I have been fighting a lot lately. His birthday is coming up and I want to do something really special, but am having trouble coming up with ideas. What do you think the perfect birthday date would be? - Lisa (Felton, Minnesota)
"What? Are you kidding me? This one is totally easy. The best way to a turtle's heart is through his stomach. Chow down an extra large pizza with double everything and then go skateboarding in the sewer. You're going to need to burn off some of those calories for the 5 post-skateboarding double extra large pizzas.
I've been dating the same guy for about 4 years. I'm really ready to get married and start a family, but my boyfriend doesn't think he's ready yet. I'm almost ready to give him an ultimatum that he has to marry me or we're through. What do you think I should do? - Allison (Kaizer, Oregon)
Koffing was nice enough to supply us with a video response:
Which cartoon do you think gave the best dating advice? Let me know on twitter @zachlunch or in the comments below!