SMOSH PIT

Dating Horror Stories

Posted By: Melanie on 02.25.10

The weekly update from Melanie on the state of dating affairs in the world.

Lately, I've been playing the field. Testing the waters with a few guys to see if I can make a real relationship happen.

Well, to be perfectly blunt, every guy so far has been a total train wreck.

See exhibits A-C.

Exhibit A

Lets call this guy "Horseface". Now Horseface and I hit it off at first. We met on Facebook through a mutual friend and he seemed pretty cute.

Little did I know, every picture he had was taken from an angle where I was unable to see the actual length of his face. This guy could've face doubled for SeaBiscuit.

I almost tripped on his face, thats how long it was. If faces were another part of the male anatomy, we wouldn't have had a problem, but unfortunately, they are not.

Exhibit B

We shall only refer to this man as "Touchy McGee". This guy was touchy in two senses of the word.

I wouldn't flat out call this guy a molester, but damn did he like to fondle! I don't even mean my boobs either! Touchy McGee would grab everything, forks, salt shakers, even the food on MY plate, and massage them with his fingertips in an oh-so-creepy way.

So when I decided to put an end to all the touching, Touchy McGee started crying in the middle of the restaurant! Talk about touchy!

Exhibit C

This man will henceforth be known as "Peter PooPants". Peter PooPants and I were set up on a blind date through an acquaintance of mine and immediately I realized it was a cruel, cruel joke.

As we entered the movie theater, I immediately recognized a distinct odor wafting in my direction from him. At first I thought it was perhaps his cologne, but then I realized this stench was, in fact, manure.

"Maybe he worked on a farm?" I rationalized in my head. This was, of course until we sat down in the theaters and I heard a loud squishing sound coming from his rear.

This grown man had POOPED IN HIS PANTS. And was going about life like nothing was wrong! I ran out of that theater without ever looking back.

Do you have any dating horror stories?

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50 Comments

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Boovish

37 weeks ago

I jst read a book

it was called Winnie the candy

iamdanik

79 weeks ago

cheeks... on my face...

iamdanik

79 weeks ago

I've never been on a date well f1st of all i am not that interested in dating anyone...and that's it...and so maybe i might not be attractive but people tell me i am, but i dont think so cuz my chubby

stylish joe

88 weeks ago

the other day i was doing a drama play, and i was filmed.
only later did i realized 1 of my boobs were sticking out!!!
SO EMBARRASSING!!!!!

ChuckNorrisOwns

92 weeks ago

IAN HEDGEONHISCOCK!!!!!!!!!!!! JOKING hahaha

ChuckNorrisOwns

92 weeks ago

First off my name is peter and i dont candy my pants Second the guy could have chromes disease, third i am a farmer which is kind of wierd and fourth WTF y cudnt you name him Patrick poo poo pants huh!

jubbillee

93 weeks ago

in exzibit c, he could have had a desise!!!! thats unfair

Laxboy9691

95 weeks ago

Speaking of blind dates, I was set up with a girl by my friend and I spoke to her a lot on the phone before meeting her and finally I took her on a date. The first day we saw each other we went to a m

clutes1

96 weeks ago

well one time i told my friend that i liked this super cute guy ♥ and she imedeitly ran out she came back an hour later and told me that he liked me back but he didnt feel a spark . and then i asked h

danluvsdan

96 weeks ago

i think i puked a little. :S

iwillnotforget

96 weeks ago

last one made me thrw up

Charlotte00

97 weeks ago

last one is so creepy!

moocowmilk0

97 weeks ago

the last one was wrong..... who would walk around w/ feces in there pants?

crazykatiejae

100 weeks ago

weird! so, so weird!

Riicola

100 weeks ago

And the people r dudes n ladies >.<
...creeeeeeeeeeeeeeeepy
ima a male O.O

Riicola

100 weeks ago

I unno but people keep touching me and looking at me...
suspiciously...
help lul
GET AWAY STALKERS

Plasticthrees

100 weeks ago

i feel sorry for the last one underpants

gleelover

101 weeks ago

BAHAHAHAHAHHAHAH!

Ceara_Mary

101 weeks ago

ew the last one is disgusting!!!

cookiemonster66555

101 weeks ago

i like the pooh one xD

emogurl214

101 weeks ago

how about this: i go on a date with this really cute guy, however, he has a MAJOR stuttering problem/spitting problem. 'Nuff said.

box man person

101 weeks ago

i think i'm the third one

kitta123

101 weeks ago

Ew that's so gross... are these seriously real?

quincywoof

101 weeks ago

PIC!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! standes for poop is cool NOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! lol what is wrong with that man!!!

killmeiamcgyver

101 weeks ago

theres poop?!

1Sandy5678

101 weeks ago

wouldnt he had noticed when he sat down in the car?

cooks

101 weeks ago

hey u should go out wit me ha jk jk im 2 young fo u

Picachu48

101 weeks ago

wait... i thought you were ian's girlfriend... so which one is ian? xD

preston136

101 weeks ago

omg how could someone go around with poop in there pants there is very dissgusting

Linemaus

101 weeks ago

with green poop this would have never been happened...

iLoveSmosh97

101 weeks ago

oh wow those r some bad men right there. i learned to never start dating a guy from facebook because for all u know he craps his pants on a daily basis...maybe even green poop.

grace1503

102 weeks ago

that poo thing seriously happened? ohh my god lol :)

StickyBuns

102 weeks ago

Hahahaha
GoGoRoboPanda Love that Captain Underpants reference

Brookie_Be

102 weeks ago

Exhibit A is Trace Cyrus.

Kirze719

102 weeks ago

Ohmygoodness. XD

reagan804

102 weeks ago

haha this is funny!

aine8891

102 weeks ago

(cont2)my parents.His reaction:cry like a baby and try call mountain rescue!! i had to calm him like i would a child!! some paramedic!also had to try push the car BY MYSELF!

aine8891

102 weeks ago

(cont)were pretty bad, but i knew the roads and told him to keep goin and not to slow down or the car will stall and get stuck, what does he do? slows down n we get stuck,My reaction:its fine ill call

aine8891

102 weeks ago

last year i dated a paramedic from the city,im from the country(mountains) so i decided to bring him to the countryside one weekend but i forgot snow had fallen that week in the mountains so the roads

Emilbh

102 weeks ago

once i met this chick. we dated alooong time.
until i found out she was a chicken.

chocolatemilk523

102 weeks ago

u need a date for that? i said not really, and he said, "do you want one anyway?" o_O now i think he has subscribed to my facebook account, and he requested my mom as a friend.

chocolatemilk523

102 weeks ago

I have a guy that is stalkin me now. He's 18, im 15. and i give him excuse after excuse as to why i dont wanna hang out with him. once i lied an said i had to go to my brothers game and he said "do yo