Dating Horror Stories

The weekly update from Melanie on the state of dating affairs in the world.

Lately, I've been playing the field. Testing the waters with a few guys to see if I can make a real relationship happen.

Well, to be perfectly blunt, every guy so far has been a total train wreck.

See exhibits A-C.

Exhibit A

Lets call this guy "Horseface". Now Horseface and I hit it off at first. We met on Facebook through a mutual friend and he seemed pretty cute.

Little did I know, every picture he had was taken from an angle where I was unable to see the actual length of his face. This guy could've face doubled for SeaBiscuit.

I almost tripped on his face, thats how long it was. If faces were another part of the male anatomy, we wouldn't have had a problem, but unfortunately, they are not.

Exhibit B

We shall only refer to this man as "Touchy McGee". This guy was touchy in two senses of the word.

I wouldn't flat out call this guy a molester, but damn did he like to fondle! I don't even mean my boobs either! Touchy McGee would grab everything, forks, salt shakers, even the food on MY plate, and massage them with his fingertips in an oh-so-creepy way.

So when I decided to put an end to all the touching, Touchy McGee started crying in the middle of the restaurant! Talk about touchy!

Exhibit C

This man will henceforth be known as "Peter PooPants". Peter PooPants and I were set up on a blind date through an acquaintance of mine and immediately I realized it was a cruel, cruel joke.

As we entered the movie theater, I immediately recognized a distinct odor wafting in my direction from him. At first I thought it was perhaps his cologne, but then I realized this stench was, in fact, manure.

"Maybe he worked on a farm?" I rationalized in my head. This was, of course until we sat down in the theaters and I heard a loud squishing sound coming from his rear.

This grown man had POOPED IN HIS PANTS. And was going about life like nothing was wrong! I ran out of that theater without ever looking back.

Do you have any dating horror stories?