Disney Channel Shows From Other Eras In Human History

Few people know this, but recently unearthed documents have confirmed that the Disney Channel's origins predate all of recorded history. Historians place the Origins of the Disney Channel right around 148,000 B.C., believing the Disney Channel to have been started during the 'Onigawan' period, in the Fertile Crescent, a time and place where Hunter Gather societies were just starting to prefer wholesome family entertainment to killing a rival tribe's Shaman and hanging his head from the entrance of their cave. This new knowledge of how long the Disney Channel has been around necessarily begs the question: What kind of shows has Disney been making all these years?

 

Mickey Mouse Club, Circa 11,140 B.C.

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Before the dawn of the Roman Empire the Earth was a chaotic hellword, where the few humans who were strong enough to survive battled four armed proto-apes who stalked the endless freezing tundras under the cover of an almost permanent night. The Mickey Mouse Club show at that time spent most of it's time, like it does now, trying to cultivate young stars, but it was difficult because the proto-apes (who were the dominant species at the time) were brainless, angry carnivores who didn't take well to learning stage craft.

 

That's So Andrew Jackson (1829-1832)

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Andrew Jackson is a wise-cracking, stubborn, but loveable President who uses his psychic powers to get in and out of trouble with his parent's next door neighbors, the Supreme Court. Audiences delighted in hearing him use such memorable catch phrases as "Oh snap, let us eradicate all the Indians!""Ya nasty! Because you're an Indian, whom I plan on eradicating""How ya'll doin'? Actually it doesn't matter, because I'll be eradicating you soon, Indian," and "Oh, no he didn't!"  

 

The Witches Of Waverly Place (1748-1750)

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This was just an hour of raw footage each week of Puritan Preachers in Salem, Massachussettes slowly burning women who were accused of being witches at the stake while they laughed and laughed.

 

The Suite Life Of Queen Marie Antoinette (1790-1791)

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The Suite Life of Marie Antoinette followed the mixed up adventures of Queen Marie Antoinette, a wealthy teenage girl dealing with typical teen girl problems such as, hoping to get asked to the prom, having her first kiss not go well, and being beheaded by zealous peasants for her crimes against the impoverished.

 

Rasputin In Tha House (1899-1905)

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Disney's Flagship variety show at the dawn of the 20th century, "Rasputin in the House" was a weekly half hour situation comedy that centered on Rasputin "The Mad Monk" of Russia and the many light-hearted, humorous hijinx that stemmed from Rasputin's influence over the royal family being used against him by politicians and journalists who wanted to force the Tsar to give up his absolute political power and separate the Russian Orthodox Church from the state. 

 

Phil Of The Present (1991)

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Phil From The Present was a show about a guy named Phil from the present. Later incarnations of the show where Phil came from different times besides the present would prove to be more popular.

 

The Disney Channel Fall Schedule, Circa 3115 A.D.

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DO NOT WATCH THE DISNEY CHANNEL IN 3115. YES IT HAS SOME GREAT PROGRAMMING. THERE'S A GREAT NEW SHOW ABOUT A QUIRKY TEENAGE GIRL WHO SURVIVED THE THIRD NUCLEAR WAR BY HIDING IN A LEAD-LINED COFFIN. FISH HOOKS IS ON ITS 1,134th SEASON AND IT'S FUNNIER THAN EVER. BUT DON'T CONCENTRATE ON THAT. JUST RUN. RUN FOR YOUR LIFE FROM THE MACHINES. 

 

What other Disney Channel shows have there been throughout history? Let us know in the comments!

 

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