Facebook: What You Say Vs. What You Want to Say
Am I the only one constantly biting my tongue on Facebook? It doesn't seem to matter how many articles people write about annoying Facebook behavior...NOTHING CHANGES. Most of the time you can just ignore that undesirable behavior. Some people demand comment, so you have to write something technically true, without being completely honest. I like to go sarcastically positive, but then I'm always enraged when those clueless dopes take it as real. Here's a look at seven common annoying Facebook situations and what we usually say and what we all wish we could say. It can't just be me who has these fantasies?
The Annoying Couple
What you say: You guys are TOO cute!
What you want to say: Gosh, I haven't seen this much public display of love since [INSERT GIRL's NAME]'s last relationship! Hope this one doesn't end like that one! I'm pretty sure [INSERT BOY'S NAME HERE] wants to keep his spleen fully functional! I was happy to hear [ INSERT EX-BOYFRIEND'S NAME HERE] didn't press charges against you. If he gave me herpes I'd have hit him in the stomach with a sledgehammer too! LOL!
What you say: You crazy girl!
What you want to say: The fact that you are obsessed with Taylor Lautner/ Justin Bieber/ Nickelback is causing friggin' shame to your good family name. We all make fun of you in private messages. Stop quoting lyrics/Photoshopping yourself with Nickelback backstage at their concert/ liking and commenting on every damn thing Justin Bieber posts. Think of your future children and the shame they will feel when they check out your Facebook Timeline one day. FYI Twilight is not a source of profound wisdom. Stop quoting it like it was written by the friggin' Dalai Lama.
The Sexy Pic Fail
What you say: Wow! (actually kind of true)
What you want to say: DO. NOT. WANT.
The Chronic Complainer
What you say: :( sucks.
What you want to say: Wow. Poor thing. It sounds really horrible the way you're putting it. I mean it sounds like you're a completely innocent victim. But we all know that your car didn't really get broken in to and you didn't really lose your phone. Those were just the excuses you used so your girlfriend wouldn't find out you were screwing around behind her back. Glad to hear she stopped buying the crap your were selling and finally dumped your ass! Wish I could do the same. See you at Thanksgiving, cuz!
The Obsessed Parent
What you want to say: Don't get me wrong. I'm super happy that you got knocked up out of wedlock, by a guy who is now in jail for stealing hubcaps, but these baby posts are getting out of control! I don't wanna know how loose his stools are, I don't wanna see more pics of him humorously posing with a pack of cigs and a Coors Light can and I certainly don't wanna see more attempts by you to make a viral baby video. It was funny when Charlie bit his brother's finger, not so funny when you bite your son's finger. Let me know if you still need me to help you study for your GED test.
The Poor Me
What you say: Are you okay? Call me. If you want.
What you want to say: DUDE! Maybe it doesn't get better for everyone. I'd be sad too if I were you...but DAYUM! You need to stop faux-threatening to harm yourself, because we're all starting to hope you just do it already!
What you say: OMG! You did not just say that! LOL
What you want to say: I really miss the good old days, when people didn't reveal things that came out of their body. If your ever clear your uterus of all those cysts, you know that 'problem' you've been telling everyone about for the past few months, and decide to have children, please unfriend me. I really don't wanna see your placenta pics on my feed.
What are some things you wish you could say to people on Facebook? Let me know @desijedeikin or in the comments below!