Failed Military Weapons

Holy crap!  America has an actual ray gun in Afghanistan! But wait… they’re sending it home.  WTF?

 

 

Turns out this oversized Easy-Bake Oven just makes people uncomfortably warm.  It’s not even as powerful as the magnifying glass you use to burn ants on the sidewalk.

Check out these other failed super weapons.  Many are real, and some are just waiting to be built.

 

1. Weather Controlling Machine

China has been able to control rain for years by shooting missiles at clouds. Sure, why not? Punch the sky in the face and it cries. They’ve publicly used this to help farmers, while hiding their militaristic interests in clouds: they developed a machine that could direct the strike zone of lightning.  Ironically, it was destroyed by an earthquake.

 

2. iSoldiers

When a Roomba mates with an iPhone, and they force their litter of unholy robot spawn to go to military school, this is what you get.  These seem like great replacements for human soldiers, except for one tiny problem: they shoot at anything that moves, including human soldiers and civilians.  If only Roomba and iPhone had shown a bit more love, maybe these guys wouldn’t be so trigger-happy.

 

3. Red Mercury

Red Mercury was a chemical substance developed by the USSR as a fission material that could be used to create extremely precise nuclear reactions.  A number of Red Mercury guns were confiscated from KGB agents who tried to enter Canada in the 1980s.  Canadian scientists took apart the guns and discovered Red Mercury made both a great toothpaste and a cure to erectile dysfunction, but not a magic fission material, after all.

 

4. Invisible Tanks

Invisibility has been a dream of mankind since the invention of women’s locker rooms.  England developed an invisibility cloak for tanks that makes them impossible to see… from one very specific angle.  Unless viewed from that angle, the tanks look like they have a big bullseye on them.  The use of the cloak was therefore extremely limited.

 

5. Elipton Cannon

Short of the Death Star, the Russian Elipton Cannon is the most powerful laser weapon in space.  It’s capable of wiping out an entire city with just one blast.  At least it will be when its batteries recharge from its successful test firing.  Russian scientists estimate that it will have collected enough solar energy to fire again by 2316.

 

6. Weaponized Dolphin

During the Cold War, both the USSR and USA outfitted dolphins with weapons to carry out tons of missions, including laying underwater mines, kamikaze attacking submarines, and fighting enemy dolphins.  It all went horribly wrong when dolphins on both sides realized they were being exploited, joined forces, and turned on their trainers.  You may notice that cans of tuna are “dolphin safe,” but never “dolphin trainer safe.”

 

7. Calming Gas

After the banning of mustard gas on the battlefield, American scientists worked to create a non-lethal gas that could stun enemy combatants.  Their eventual solution, Calming Gas, was an extremely concentrated form of plant smoke that could be released from an airplane.  This gas was taken out of use when it was discovered American troops were using it on themselves, causing them to consume rations extremely fast and to giggle while in combat.

 

8. Nepotir

Nepotir was invented during World War 1 as one of Russia’s first attempts at building a tank.  When it crashed into a tree and got stuck in a small ditch on its test run, the project was literally abandoned… in that ditch.  The inventor went back to the drawing board and invented the old-timey bicycle with rifle mount.  The rifle mount was removed because people thought it made the old-timey bicycle look ridiculous.  Yeah, that’s what made it look ridiculous.

 

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