Fictional Things I Wish Were Real
There are some fictional things I am very grateful don’t exist in real life… Dementors, the Hunger Games and Smurfs (they creep me out!), to name a few. But there are lots of things I think would be amazing to have in the real world. Here’s are a few I’d like to see.
Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory
I wanna meet an Oompa Loompa, I wanna burp my way out of danger, I wanna be in a world where I can partake in as much delicious candy as I want with no fear of losing my innocence to Pedobear. Because even though I am no longer in Pedobear’s demographic, he still frightens me. I can be very child-like when joyously pounding a bag of Sour Patch Kids. Wait… that sounds kind of wrong.
Wonder Woman’s Invisible Jet
This is a totally bada** way to get around! Although I am curious to know if you’re actually invisible when inside, or does it look like you’re flying through the air taking an imaginary dump… cause that would be kind of lame.
Wouldn’t it be great if when someone was pissing you off you could say “don’t make me Avada Kedavra you’re a**”! Or to Silencio a person yakking on their cell phone at top volume in a restaurant? I would definitely be excited to see what my Patronus is. I’m hoping it will be kind of like an evil Care Bear.
This would be a great alternative to guns. “Stop or I’ll shoot!” will be replaced by “Stop and I’ll shoot!” Crime will be at an all time low as criminals willingly submit to the power of the Orgazmorator. And finally a game of Russian Roulette where if you lose, you win.
I’ve always wanted a sophisticated friend with whom I could share afternoon tea and crumpets whilst we pet two Himalayan pussycats on a sun-soaked veranda. I would nickname him Mr. Fussy-budgets much to his chagrin! Say, I’m already sounding more upper crusty! Things would be so lovely until he inevitably leaves me for a butch guy named Bruce. Damn you Pride!
What could be better than just transporting yourself wherever you wanted to go? No traffic, no jet lag and no going to second base with a TSA agent. Also you can say “Beam me up, Scotty!” every time you transport, which I’m pretty certain would never grow old.
Not only would he be great to snuggle with, but I could also use him to fend off potential attackers when I go strolling in dark alleys, which I do a lot by the way. Hello? World’s cutest taser! Instead of “don’t tase me bro!” they’d be screaming “don’t tase me…ohhhh... so adorbs!” Then fall to their knees in crippling pain.
Cornballer From Arrested Development
I would love to get my hands on anything created by George Bluth Sr.! Plus, how good do fried cornballs sound? And it’s really fun to say cornballer. Heh heh…I said cornballer.
Neural Neutralizer From Men In Black
While it’s easy to block things from your memory, there’s always some a-hole who never forgets and likes to bring up your traumas over and over again. Remember the time you were laughing so hard you farted? Remember at sleepaway camp when you got the stomach flu and didn’t make it to the toilet in time? No, I don’t remember people calling me SpongeBob sh*t pants and zap… now neither do you.
‘It’ From South Park
I just wanna see the idiots who are willing to drive this. At first I’m sure people will be like “you want me to stick what, where and blow?” But after we tell them it’s great for the environment, do-gooders everywhere will be powering vehicles with their anuses. Or is it ani? Anyway…can’t wait for the paparrazi photos of Leonardo DiCaprio in one, driving stick shift, so to speak.
What are some fictional things that you wish were real? Let us know in the comments!