Fonts At A Party

Ever wonder what fonts would be like if they were people at a party? I can tell you. I got invited to one of those 'font people' parties. It was nuts.


Times New Roman


I see this guy everywhere! He never really adds much to the party, but he’s cool, I guess. We ended up talking about the broken door buzzer and if there was enough ice. I bumped into him right in front of the door and just kind of hung by him so I wouldn’t have to awkwardly pretend to read texts during downtime.




This loud, skinny girl was just making up dances in the middle of the living room. I think she had been a cheerleader in high school and never really got over it. She was totally monopolizing the playlist so it was all Ryan Seacrest-approved pop. And she was aggressive! At one point, she grabbed a guy by the scruff of the neck and just started making out with him. Works for some people, I guess. 


Comic Sans MS


Comic Sans MS thought he was sooo funny. A stand-up comic by trade, he would not shut up about how he had played such esteemed venues as the Boca Beach Centerstage Pavilion and Celebrity Cruises’ “Millenium” ship Lido Deck Lounge. He kept trying to get me to laugh at his jokes about airports. When he realized it wasn’t going to happen, he made some comment about how “women are different from men,” and walked away.


Wing Dings


This chick is a maniac! You never know what she’s going to do next. She was all like, “Who wants to do shots of just Jello?!” and “Let’s dance a 16th-century Pavane!” It’s hard to hold a conversation with her because she’s so all over the place. But she’s fun to watch.




This real estate mogul showed up – not sure who invited him. He was suave and attractive, but totally fake. Told me he wanted to run off with me to his property in the South of France. No one is that chivalrous in earnest anymore. He just wanted to get laid. I'm pretty sure he left the party with Impact, so his wish may have come true.


Lucida Handwriting


This Russian woman kept insisting I check out her waxing salon – she said she would give me a good price. I don’t know, though, she didn’t seem very with it. I didn’t really like her eyebrows – they looked like they had been drawn in with a pencil. And she was wearing clogs.




You can always tell when there’s a musical theater person in the room. They’re the one holding court, asserting their “personality” and saying how much they looove you. But honestly, I think this woman has only ever done community theater in the wild west.


American Typewriter


I ran into this awful hipster. He brought Koala Yummies, probably just so people would ask where he found them. And he had this weird neck-beard. I wanted to be like, listen, dude, some outdated things should just die. I still ate the Yummies, though.

I ended up going home with Times New Roman. At least he’s safe. Have you been to any Font parties? Who’d you meet?


Check Out 10 Reasons No One Showed Up To Your Party!