How To Get The Most Out Of Your Post-Halloween Candy Trading
Trick-or-Treating is fun, but it's a crap shoot. You might walk down Oprah's block and get an iPod or you might hit a row of old people houses who give you a single Hershey's Kiss and think they're really doing you a damn favor. This is where the all-important post-Halloween trading comes in - you and your friends get home and pour your candy on the floor and begin to make order out of the chaos. It's easy to get taken advantage of in this situation, so here are some things to know when trading your Halloween candy for other kids' Halloween candy.
King Size bars will net you damn near anything you want
A King Size Butterfinger is worth at least three fun size Butterfingers PLUS one, maybe even two, of any other candy. These are your golden tickets- nothing can beat them. This is what it was like when the first country got a nuclear weapon. The conversation changes.
Caramel Apple Pops are the king of suckers
Listen. Caramel Apple Pops are obviously the tops of the suckers list, but the only time to dive into the sucker's game is if you have traded away all your great candy for mediocre candy and are literally a sucker. Cornering the suckers market is like being the governor of Rhode Island. Yeah it's an accomplishment to be the governor of any state, but man... Rhode Island? Really?
Unwrapped candy is dangerous
Sometimes insane people will maliciously put razor blades in apples or thumb tacks in candy corn making unwrapped candy incredibly dangerous. To trade this candy away, find the kid with the least involved parents who probably haven't warned him of this. Any candy is better than unwrapped candy, so take whatever you can get from him. Unless you get offered, like, Good 'n Plentys. In that case, take your chances with the razor blades.
Flavored Tootsie Rolls
Make sure you use the words "I'll trade you some Tootsie Rolls" whenever bartering with Vanilla or Orange or Tree Bark flavored Tootsie Rolls, as regular Tootsie Rolls are so much more valuable than these flavored atrocities. And once a deal is made for "Tootsie Rolls", there are never, not ever, any trade-backsies. Hey, you're not here to make friends. You're here to get Milky Ways. Never forget that.
Kids with peanut allergies are Snickers gold mines
If you're doing your trading at school, look for kids sitting in the peanut-free zones in the cafeteria to increase your Snickers total. Usually a two-peices-of-candy-for-one sort of item, Snickers become dirt cheap if just having them around puts you in mortal danger. Take advantage of this- it's like buying ten dollar bills that are on sale for five dollars.
Symphonies are worth three Hershey's MINIMUM
Don't let any idiot Hershey's apologists tell you otherwise - Symphonys are the chocolate cream of the crop. I mean, besides Dove. And I guess Godiva. And Ghirardelli. But you get my point. It's better than Hershey's, which is hobo candy.
Three Musketeers are not as valuable as you think
Despite being the same size and often in the same category as Milky Way and Snickers, be well aware that Three Musketeers are so much less. Having nothing besides whipped chocolate inside makes the cognitive dissonance evoked by the title "Three Musketeers" enough to drive their value through the floor. Since you're going to go broke trading Musketeers for Milky Ways, instead use them to load up on Necco Wafers and then work on finding the weird kid who really loves Necco Wafers.
How do you work the candy trading system to your advantage? Reveal your secrets in the comments! Everyone will probably forget by next year.