Gift Ideas For The Forever Alone In Your Life
We all have that Forever Alone person lurking around in the recesses of our lives. She may be the cousin who is a disgrace to your gene pool, or he could be the creepy Doctor Who-obsessed IT guy at work. But this is the time of year when we do things to appear generous, so after you begrudgingly join your do-good co-worker at the soup kitchen, you might wanna think about spreading some of that holiday cheer to the person in your life who nobody can stand to be around. I urge you to do a little more than just a sympathy "like" on one of their Facebook updates. And so I present to you my handy dandy gift guide for those unlovable losers who are kinda sorta in your life. You can go back to ignoring them on December 26th.
Microwave Cooking For One
If I wasn't constantly having fabulous dinner parties with all my friends and family and eating the leftovers for breakfast with all my BFF roommates the next morning, I would totally want this book! Goodbye frozen TV dinners, hello microwaved Eggs Florentine! Gourmet food has never been more depressing!
A Boyfriend/Girlfriend Pillow
One of the worst things about being Forever Alone is not having someone to embrace at the end of a stressful day. Who needs a boyfriend when you can have a boyfriend pillow! Don't worry, fellas... there's also one with boobies! And these pillows don't file a complaint with HR when they catch you sniffing their office chair!
It's like getting some, but way less messy. It can be just as awkward though. Especially when you get busted taking photos of yourself wearing it. Kind of brings new meaning to sexy mirror pic fail.
Lingerie For Their Significant Other
Is that your USB flash drive or are you just happy to see me? Finally something in sexy panties that will always let you download their files!
The best part of being a Forever Alone is probably not having to care about ever attracting the opposite sex. So, why not be comfortable if you're going to remain asexual? Forever Lazy, a pint of Chubby Hubby and a DVR full of Touched By An Angel episodes? Sounds like the perfect prequel to a jump off the Golden Gate Bridge!
Box Of Applause And/Or Laughter
DAYUM! This is the most pathetic product that has ever been created in the history of the world. They'll love it!
Sponsor A Child From 'Save The Children' In Their Name
You're doing something great to help a child in need and a Forever Alone will actually be getting hand-written letters from the child you are helping. Sounds like a win/win situtation. Other than real human contact, there is nothing that excites a Forever Alone more than receiving mail that is not grocery store circulars, credit card offers or that actually belongs to their neighbor.
Something For Their Cat
People love it when you remember their fur babies during the holidays! It can be as simple as a pathetic Christmas card, but why not go all out? Splurge on a special treat for their feline friend!
What would you buy for a Forever Alone? Let me know @desijedeikin or in the comments below!