A Guide to Proper Spoiler Etiquette

In today's society, no one knows how to deal with spoilers. That's why we need one unified code that we all agree to so that we don't have to see endless Facebook posts from angry people about some plot point from their favorite TV show being ruined. I'm so tired of seeing fake spoiler outrage from people that probably weren't going to see it for another year anyway. So here it is — proper spoiler etiquette for the modern world.

 

Movies

graphic of a bunch of old movie spoilers

(source)

What Is The Rule?

2 weeks. That's it. Two weeks may seem like a short time, but it's an eternity for someone who went to a midnight screening and wants to talk about the movie with their friends. Two weeks is plenty of time to make plans to get your butt to a movie theater. I've heard some people say you should wait til it's on DVD. That's insane. If you're waiting for the DVD then you don't really care about seeing the movie.

screen shot of robin williams from jumanji

(source)

What Happens If You Break It?

If you are a movie spoiler then I think movies need to get all Jumanji on your ass. You should have to experience in your real life every plot twist that you spoil for other people while Robin Williams follows you around being annoying. You won't be able to spoil anything again once it's turned out you've been dead the whole time.

 

Television

people in india watching tv

(source)

What Is The Rule?

Spoilers are fair game the next morning for television shows. Television shows are supposed to be a communal event. It comes on a certain time with the intent of everyone everywhere watching together. As part of that shared experience, we want to talk about that CRAZY THING THAT HAPPENED. If you really cared so much about a show that you can't have it spoiled then you should have watched it with everyone else. If you won't let your friends talk about a TV show they all watched because you might at some point watch it then you are a huge jerk.

theon greyjoy from game of thrones

(source)

What Happens If You Break It?

There are really only two ways to break this. The first is if the show is based on a book and you ruin it for illiterate people before it even happens. The second would be if you live in a timezone that gets to watch the show before your friends. Waiting until morning isn't asking much. If you can't keep it in your pants then you deserve the same fate as Theon Greyjoy from Game Of Thrones.

 

Food

will ferrell drinks spoiled milk

(source)

What Is The Rule?

The rule for spoiled food is when in doubt, throw it out. Sometimes you may see something that is a little questionable. Maybe it seems sort of ok, but it's like a week past it's expiration date. Get rid of it!

gene from bob's burgers on toilet

(source)

What Happens If You Break It?

You are going to be spending a lot of time with your new best friend, Mr. Toilet. If you eat something that's super jankie, you might end up having to take a trip to the hospital. Have fun explaining to your doctor why you thought it was a good idea to eat a can of Spaghetti-O's that expired in 1989.

 

Comics

guy buying a stack of comics

(source)

What Is The Rule?

You can spoil comic book story lines after about a week. True comics fans are die hard and they stay up on their storylines and no amount of spoiling is going to deter them from reading the new book in one of their favorite series. I guarantee you that anyone that is a serious comic reader is going to be there in the comic shop on Wednesday getting the new issues. If they aren't, then they've already read everything on the internet about what is happening.

angry superman holding a missile

(source)

What Happens If You Break It?

It's sad to say it, but comics are kind of a dying art. The only reason comics are still as big as they are is because they keep making a bajillion dollars when they get made in to movies. If you spoil a comic for one of the few truly devoted fans then I'm going to build an inter-dimensional worm hole like on Sliders and travel around from universe to universe until I find the real Superman. Then I'm going to bring him back to our universe and have him come up behind you and pull down your pants in from of all of your friends. You're going to be so embarrassed! (and em-bare-assed)

 

Video Games

people in line for gears of war 3

(source)

What Is The Rule?

Video games have the longest wait for any of the spoilers. That's because games take a while to beat. You should wait about six months before you start tossing around spoilers. I know some people will play through a new game in one week long play session. Most regular people don't have that kind of time because they aren't living with their parents. The average gamer probably gets maybe ten hours a week to play games if they're lucky and that's usually spread out over a few games.

What Happens If You Break It?

It's going to be hard to play those video games you love without any thumbs. That's right. You'll have to play all of your games only through XBox Kinect. That's the worst punishment in gaming history.

 

Cars

car with dumb spoiler

(source)

What Is The Rule?

SPOILER ALERT! YOUR SPOILER LOOKS DUMB! Don't ever put a giant spoiler on your car. Your Honda is never going to drive fast enough to make it fly through the air.

awkward family photo

(source)

What Happens If You Break It?

Having a giant spoiler should mean that all of your driving privileges are revoked for life. And it shouldn't only be you. Your entire line should be banished from ever driving. That includes any of your children and any of their children forever.

 

Books

mom and kid reading upside down

(source)

What Is The Rule?

You should never spoil a book for someone. It's so insanely hard to get anyone to read anything. Why would you try to discourage someone from picking up a book? If it's a really good book, it'll probably get made in to a movie or TV show soon anyway.

fork on a book

(source)

What Happens If You Break It?

If you spoil a book, you should be required to eat the entire book. That book is worthless after you've ruined it so go grab a fork and knife. You can wash it down with whatever beverage you choose. I think that's pretty generous for a filthy book ruiner like you.

 

What's your worst spoiler story? Let me know on twitter @zachlunch or in the comments below!

 

Check Out Super Crazy Car Spoilers!