Hollywood Movies I Damn Sure Shoulda Starred In

Now, I don't want to brag, but I am absolutely the best at everything I've ever done. And while I've never done any acting in no big budget Hollywood motion pictures, I would say that's because there ain't never been a movie role manly enough for me to play. Hell, I watched Rambo the other day and wondered if that coward was just nervous about asking them Viet Cong out on a date. Here are some films that that my CRAZY MASCULINITY in the lead role woulda helped out.

 

Captain America

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Ain't NOTHING more American than me. I wear shirts without sleeves that say "Never Forget"! I eat bald eagles for breakfast, lunch, BRUNCH, and dinner! I cry during the National Anthem AND the Black Eyed Peas halftime show! I should obviously be Captain America, and the fact that I ain't shows this movie musta been made by a god damn FRENCHMAN.

 

When Harry Met Sally

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If I was the star, this movie would've been When Harry Fought Sally For The World Heavyweight Championship in a Steel Cage. I don't know if I'd be better suited for Harry or for Sally. Maybe both. Like a Norbit kind of a thing. I'M JUST THROWIN' THINGS OUT HERE. There ain't no bad ideas in brainstormin'.

 

Twilight

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I tell you what, if I was starrin' in Twilight I woulda ate that whole girl in act one, scene one. Watchin' that movie now is like watchin' a film about a human being dating a steak.

 

Shawshank Redemption

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Here's what pisses me off about The Shawshank Redemption- they think their audience is a damn fool. I don't need Andy DuFresne to explain to me for 45 minutes that a harmonica is a symbol of HOPE. I knew it was a symbol of hope because I AM WELL VERSED IN THE READING OF SYMBOLISM IN CINEMATIC TEXTS. You can bet that if I were starrin' in this here movie, it would be CHOCK FULL OF SUBTLETY.

 

The Dark Knight

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Batman protects his city by hangin' out on rooftops or whatever and strikin' fear into the hearts of criminals. If I starred in The Dark Knight, I'd protect MY city by VOLUNTEERING MY TIME and donating to the local POLICE STATION. DIFF'RENT STROKES FOR DIFF'RENT FOLKS.

 

Casablanca

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In this here movie, we got a nightclub owner in Casablanca during World War 2 where Nazis come in and buy drinks without getting their skulls crushed by way of intense punches. A real man destroys every Nazi he can, as PAINFULLY as he can, and that is a crucial element I would bring to the role. Also, I would never let Isla leave for America with her husband. Like I care that she'd regret it maybe not today, maybe not tomorry, but soon and for the rest of her life! I would be DAMN SATISFIED with that decision!

 

Toy Story 3

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At the end of Toy Story 3, Andy gives his toys to some snot-nosed little girl and feels sad that his childhood spent with toys is over but happy that they found a new home. I say TO HELL with all this snifflin' and conflicted feeling! Had they cast ME as Andy, I would make a choice - If I like my toys, I keep 'em. If I hate my toys, I eat em.

 

What in the damn Hell movie roles you think I'd be good in? You just let me know in them there comments.

 

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