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Horrible Life Lessons I Learned From Childhood Board Games

Like most people I have fond childhood memories of playing board games with my family. Except that one time I threw the whole Battleship board into the wall right before my sister sunk my final battleship. That one… not so good. But I’ve come to realize a sinister side to those beloved childhood games. Yes, they teach you to take turns and to not be a sore loser (except that one time)… but they also teach some pretty horrible lessons to children. Here’s just a few.

Perfection

This game gets all Black Swan on your ass...the only way to win is by being perfect. There is no A for effort. If you get 24 out of 25 pieces you are still a loser. This game is the equivalent of the High Expectations Asian Father meme.

Clue

Before I played Clue I thought I needed to get my hands on a gun to murder someone. Clue taught me that all I needed were some common household items, like a wrench or a candlestick, to really bash someone’s head in. It also has convinced me that I have the uncanny ability to solve murders. I regularly watch Nancy Grace and yell out things like “it was the stepmother Misty, with her hands in the filthy double-wide trailer.”

Monopoly

There is no lesson more dangerous than making children believe that there is such a thing as a ‘Get out of jail free card.’ Unfortunately it doesn’t clarify that this is only for the Lindsey Lohans and Paris Hiltons of the world. The rest of us go directly to jail, do not pass Go and do not collect $200,000 by selling an exclusive interview to Radar Online.

The Game of Life

As a child I used to dream of one day becoming a princess who raises miniature ponies and subsists on a diet of goldfish crackers and raw cookie dough. Then I played The Game of Life and discovered that growing up sucks. You get hit by reckless drivers. You lose everything in house fires. And by the looks of the woman in the photo above… you get tattoos you will really, really regret one day. Way to crush my dreams, Milton firetruckin’ Bradley! It should come as no surprise that the original version of this game included a suicide option.

Operation

Who needs Med School? According to Operation all you really need to become a successful surgeon is a steady hand! It’s no wonder that I now feel perfectly comfortable diagnosing and treating strange rashes based on the Yahoo Answer that got the most votes. And is it really a good idea to encourage kids to play doctor? Best case scenario— a game of I’ll show you mine if you show me yours. Worst case scenario—a trip to the ER after someone tries to remove Ryder’s funny bone.

Twister

I learned the hard way that asking your mom to pick you up from a party because a boy called you a prude when you refused to play Twister makes you very, very unpopular. Whatever, I didn’t wanna go to prom anyway.

Candyland

This game taught me that it is perfectly acceptable to go with a stranger if he tells me he’s Lord Licorice and Queen Frostine herself has requested he bring me to Lollipop Woods. I’m still desperately waiting for this offer, which I plan on happily accepting. Even though I know my dead body will probably end up floating in the Ice Cream Sea.

What are some of the horrible lessons you learned from childhood games? Let us know in the comments!

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Tags: board, candyland, childhood, clue, from, game, games, horrible, learned, lesson, lessons, life, monolopy, perfection, twister