Horrible Life Lessons I Learned From Popular Christmas Movies
Classic Christmas movies always seem to be about the true meaning of Christmas. You know, with messages like giving is better than receiving, and being with family is the best gift and all that kind of heart-warming mumbo jumbo. But are they really as warm and fuzzy as they seem? It seems to me that the following classic Christmas movies are actually imparting horrible life lessons to the children of the world. And that makes me insincerely scream WHAT ABOUT THE CHILDREN??? Good thing Die Hard is my Christmas movie of choice now. Die Hard taught me lessons I can use. And how to say Yippee Kai Yay Mother effer. And it has Alan Rickman in it, which is always a good thing. Not like these friggin' messed up classics!
Jingle All The Way
THE PLOT: Two neglectful fathers go all out to get their sons the year's hottest Christmas toy, Turbo Man. Cue demented buffoon faces as they battle to the death to obtain this meaningless gesture of love.
THE HORRIBLE LIFE LESSON: All's fair in love, war and the pursuit of the year's hottest Christmas gifts and deals.
We don't have to look far to see the fallout of this lesson. Didn't someone just pepper spray a meemaw to get their grubby hands on some three-dollar waffle irons? I thought that was illegal unless used against peaceful protestors?
Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer
THE PLOT: Two freaks bond together when they are ridiculed by their peeps for being different. Then they save all their haters and are hailed as heroes. Because they are apparently not vindictive like me. I would've totally pretended I was gonna help my bullies and then I would've said "PSYCH!" In your face!"
THE HORRIBLE LIFE LESSON: People who are 'different' should be hated and shunned from society. Unless they save our sorry a**es, then society will graciously welcome them into the fold.
This movie is like the equivalent of the "it gets better" campaign, except that it only gets better if the misfits risk their lives to save their haters.
The Grinch Who Stole Christmas
THE PLOT: Ridiculed as a boy, the Grinch grows up with the sole purpose in life of destroying the Who's happiness. Then his heart grows three sizes when a cute child shows him some kindness and he becomes lame again.
THE HORRIBLE LIFE LESSON: If you had a bad childhood, people will forgive you for acting like a complete d-bag as an adult.
Sadly, this is not true. This is why I'm on my 5th BFF. I am a living roast beast.
THE PLOT: A bad dad dies in a car crash trying to get home for Christmas. Then he comes back as a snowman to help his son get over his grief. This sounds pretty implausible until you realize this is all possible because of a magical harmonica.
THE HORRIBLE LIFE LESSON: Don't bother doing the right thing. You'll probably just die doing it.
Seriously? Do you really want your last thought to be "I should have kept ignoring my family"? A dead-inside parent is better than an actually dead one.
Miracle On 34th Street
THE PLOT: A little girl who doesn't believe in Santa has a change of heart when she meets a store Santa who claims to be the real deal. Even though she was right the first time. All the adults in her life support her delusions and this is supposedly a good thing.
THE HORRIBLE LIFE LESSON: Dreams do come true, if you really, really believe!
If that's true, why am I sitting here heating my house with the oven, instead of burning hundred dollar bills in my solid gold fire pit? Oh, you mean it actually takes hard work and not just positive thoughts and vision boards? Thanks, Oprah Clause.
It’s A Wonderful Life
THE PLOT: A good man who is down on his luck attempts suicide and gets to see what life would be like if he was never born. Mr. Potter is awesome. The End.
THE HORRIBLE LIFE LESSON: Sometimes suicide is the answer.
Who knew attempting suicide could help you find out how important you really are to all those who love you? If you survive. If you succeed in offing yourself, all those that you love get to find out that the life insurance money you left them, doesn't last as long as you thought it would.
Frosty The Snowman
THE PLOT: A snowman comes to life when a magical hat is placed on his head. Then he starts to melt and he and a lonely girl high-tail it to the North Pole with villainous magician in pursuit. Everything works out.
THE HORRIBLE LIFE LESSON: If a man tells you his temperature is rising, you should hop a freight train and run away with him.
Yes, this may have been innocent enough back in the day, but in the internet age I'm pretty sure a guy asking a girl if she wants to take a ride on the North Pole Express has a whole new meaning.
What are some horrible things you've learned from classic Christmas movies? Let me know @desijedeikin or in the comments below!