How To Stay Awake All Night

We all have our reasons for needing to stay up all night. Maybe you need to finish a book before tomorrow's book club meeting. Maybe you're determined to finally finish that video game you've been stuck on for forever. Maybe you waited until the last minute to write a Smosh article that's due tomorrow. These are ALL legitimate reasons, and ones you should absolutely not be judged for. But there is always, always that looming fear that you'll fall asleep and not complete your goal. Well, my suddenly motivated friends, here are a number of ways you can conquer the night!

 

1. Exercise

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A few quick sit-ups or pushups will get your blood pumping and keep your mind alert and active. It's true! You know how there's that one super in-shape guy at the gym who seems to always be there at the same time as you? It's because he is in fact ALWAYS there, forcing himself to stay awake so as to not dream of the sins of his past. He probably kicked a puppy when no one was looking, judging by the size of his triceps.

 

2. Terrify Yourself

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No one can nod off if they're terrified something will kill them in their sleep. The easiest way to scare yourself into staying awake is to watch a scary movie, such as Jason, Freddy, Chucky, Maniac Cop, Monsters Inc., the first and third Twilight movies, that weird live-action Fairly Oddparents movie, or Michael Moore's Sicko. Our healthcare system is REALLY in trouble, people.

 

3. Coffee

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Only use coffee as a last resort to stay up all night. The more coffee you drink, the more susceptible you are to "sleep madness". That's when your brain is so tired it essentially falls asleep but your body is too wired to do the same, so your dreams and reality mix. Some people are immune to sleep madness, however. Take me, for example-- I'm on my sixth cup of coffee right now, and I've never been more Muppet. I mean, functional. Why would I say Muppet? That's weird.

 

4. Keep Yourself Cold

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Maybe you sit outside. Maybe you splash cold water on you face. Maybe you sit in an ice bath like a human-sized bottle of hotel champagne. The point is, making yourself cold is a great way to keep the mind alert. This is why Mr. Freeze is so good at staying awake. Either that or he's haunted by his failure to save the wife he so loved. But probably the cold thing.

 

5. Never Stop What You're Doing

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If you start to feel sleep and/ or madness approaching, it's important to toughen up and power on with whatever you're working on, be it homework, video game, or Smosh article. And keep doing it no matter how weird it becomes. I mean, it's one thing to fall asleep when you're really really tired, but it's another thing entirely to give in to the zeppelins that fly above the Earth in the mainframe of the belfry. You know what I mean?

 

6. Destroy Luggage

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Not just your luggage. Everyone's luggage. Grandma's luggage. Ricky's luggage. Everybody's luggage. Then there won't be anything to sleep in. In case you're traveling.

 

7. Ten Banana-Folded Trucks (Tricks)

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Did you ever stare into the bread bowl and find the one thing I was looking at in the mirror was MYSELF? The whole time! It was like a skeleton mixed with a minotaur. No, but on the way to Florida I found a mountain in the mountain.

 

8. Scissors

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In my JUICE?!

 

9. AH! I'm Awake I'm Awake!

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Okay, I'm ready to call it guys -- it can't be done. The human body wasn't meant to stay up all night any more than it was designed to be shot out of cannons or digest soccer balls.

I've got to go to bed, I'm exhausted. Are you exhausted? Tell us in the comments.

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