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How To Appear Successful

Posted By: Jessica Poter on 02.23.12

Economy getting you down? Have no idea what kind of job you would have wanted in the first place? That’s cool. Life is 99% what people think you got, so let’s start incepting. Here are some foolproof ways to appear successful.

Drink Espressos

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Successful people always have an espresso in hand because they’re tired from staying up to do something glamorous or important the night before. Or, they are so bored by society in general that they need that drug to keep them engaged. For bonus points, have someone bring YOU the coffee.

Talk About The Time You Were In Southeast Asia

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Only Southeast Asians and people with a lot of money go to Southeast Asia. Such travels indicate that you are worldly, invested in the future of this global economy, and savvy as to where to find the best bootleg DVD’s.

Monocle It

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The monocle is involved in everyone’s prototype of a successful person. Who else could afford to only correct vision in one eye? Walk around with a monocle, and people will infer from your decision to remain handicapped that you are at a point in your life when you can have F.U. eyesight.

Wear Lululemon Around Town

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This brand of exercise clothing is ridiculously expensive. But as a successful person, it’s easily within your budget. In fact, it’s all you ever wear – your job is cushy enough that you can go work out in the middle of the day… or at least you were successful in finding a loved one to bankroll that kind of lifestyle.

Talk To Yourself

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Successful people just don’t give a hoot... that’s why you get so many “eccentric” entrepreneurs. OR, they have invested in the latest Bluetooth technology: a device so tiny, it can only be seen through a monocle. For bonus points, speak loudly, then notice people are listening to you and dramatically lower your voice.

Set Up A Vacation Responder

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When your friends and colleagues receive an auto-response from your emails, they’re getting the impression that someone out there cares why you wouldn’t respond. They’re also thinking, damn, it’s nice that you are successful enough that you can vacation. They’re also thinking now is the chance to rob your luxurious home.

What other things can a person do to appear successful? Let us know in the comments!

Check Out 25 Very Successful Success Kids!

Tags: appear, how, starbucks, successful, to

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13 weeks ago

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