How To Be A Hot Girl: A Guide For Late Bloomers
If you’re anything like me, you just want to do things correctly. And for the first ten years of your life, it’s pretty easy to work toward perfection. You know you need to do well in school, have play-dates, not be mean to your brother, etc. But as we grow up, certain girls start to differentiate themselves as “hot girls.” And you don’t know how to be one of those. All of a sudden, some girls have “fashion sense” and “sex appeal,” and they “flirt” with boys. It kills you that you care, because you’re intelligent and self-sufficient and all that other stuff you’re supposed to be, but you secretly study them in hopes of figuring out what it is that you can do to obtain that illusive “hot” persona in a way that jives with your feminist or post-feminist ideals. Here are some tips for those of us who don’t intuitively possess “hot” instincts.
Never leave the house without makeup on
I know, you’re a busy girl. It’ll make you late. And why put on makeup if you’re just going to have to take it off at the end of the day? Listen, the minute you turned twelve, your natural face automatically turned not-good-enough. Think of makeup as auto-tune for your face. Don’t worry that it’ll make you vain; it also makes other people feel better about themselves—that you put some effort into the way you’d look in front of them. There, you just brightened someone’s day.
Wear high heels
“But heels are crippling!” you cry. “They’re an inhumane product of a male-dominated society, and I, for one, will not submit to the existing paradigm.” I’m telling you, HEELS. The higher, the better—it really doesn’t matter if you can walk in them. In fact, it’s better if you can’t. Heels make you exempt from everything! You’re allowed to be a lazy and incapable person AND still be seen as desirable. Smart girls make themselves handicapped.
Maximize your bra
I didn’t learn how to properly place my boobs into the bra cups until age 20, when a kindly “hot girl” offered me some advice. You have to bend over, insert, and then stand up. Just thought I’d share that one for anyone else who didn’t know.
You’re allowed to be smart. But smart girls make sure to educate themselves in the field that will make them hottest – sports. Maybe you don’t care for American football or the one with the World Series, but chances are, the hot people you want to hang out with do, and you want to be able to hold a conversation with them. Just memorize a few key players and obscure rules, and they’ll think you know way more than you do. Trust me, it’s a lot more helpful than your encyclopedic knowledge of Bock and Harnick musicals.
Put stuff in your hair
You know those girls with the perfect, shiny hair? The good news is, it’s not because they’re inherently better females. They put a lot of crap in their hair. Really “hot girls” sometimes put formaldehyde in it (google “Brazilian Treatment”). You have to figure out what crap is the right crap for you, but once you find it, it’s easy to look good. Hair crap is an investment, as once you find the best crap for your hair; you’re not going to want to stop buying it. Deal with it: hair is a huge component to being a “hot girl.”
Make the gym a priority
Or, fine, at least talk about it like it is. If you mention things like “spin class” and “reformers,” people will think you have a better body than you do. This can also be accomplished by keeping a gym bag in the passenger seat of your car or bringing a yoga mat to work. Or dressing in Lululemon on a daily basis, regardless of intention.
Pay attention to the length and rise of jeans
The good news here is: you only really have to focus on one area of fashion – you can get away with a lot in terms of other articles of clothing. With jeans, however, styles change fairly often. Remember the Britney Spears at-the-pubic-bone-cut days? I know, my crack was hanging out all through high school, too. If you want to be a hot girl, it’s crucial to be aware of what jeans are trendy at the moment – “hot girls” are always wearing the right pair of jeans. If you don’t believe me, think of the converse: seeing someone wearing jeans that unintentionally hit at their ankles or drag along the ground (because they’re fatter than they are tall) instantly makes a person not-hot. However, don’t wear skinny jeans if you can’t wear skinny jeans –a girl wearing trends incorrectly isn’t helping anyone’s cause.
Drive a Jetta
I think this theory started as a line on The League, but now it’s “a thing” – there are blogs and Facebook pages dedicated to the subject of how it’s always a hot girl driving a Jetta. I’m curious though: is it a self-perpetuating idea? Do otherwise regular girls seek out Volkswagen Jetta’s in hopes of being perceived as hot?
Are you a “hot girl”? Or are you an observant late bloomer? Or are you a dude? Regardless, feel free to leave more tips in the comments section below!