How To Be Popular On Facebook
Being popular on Facebook can be trickier than it seems. Some people think this means having the most amount of ‘friends’ (after 700, you really need to use that term flexibly), others believe it has something to do with posting the most status updates. I’m here to tell you it’s easier than you think, just follow these 8 steps:
1. Photoshop pictures of your friends as animals
Perhaps your friend Stacy always wondered what she would look like as a fluffy cat, or your friend Greg secretly wished he was born a lemur, and you turned out to be the person to unleash that for them and the world to see. You’ll never know unless you try it. (Photo courtesy Jackie Smith)
2. Make fake accounts for your butt and have wall-to-wall conversations with it, constantly
Reading posts that say, “You’re pretty sweet,” “Thanks for the support,” and, “Bro, have you seen my wallet?” is pretty genius. (Also, follow Paul Danke’s Butt on facebook and you won’t be disappointed, I promise)
3. Turn your news feed into a lottery
There’s really nothing that’ll make your status stand out in a sea of other updates about cats and food than a message that reads in all-caps, “THE FIRST PERSON TO COMMENT ON MY PAGE GETS A NEW IPAD 2.” Sure, you may not have an iPad 2 to physically give away, but you will have won Facebook, if just for a day.
4. Post pictures of yourself with celebrities, doing things besides posing awkwardly
Everyone’s seen the forced smiles and awkward posing that accompanies any picture with a celebrity that doesn’t actually know you. Imagine just how much cooler you’ll be if you make it seem like a celebrity plays golf with your Dad or used to babysit you before they got big? …in picture form.
5. Make several fake celebrity accounts and post on your wall in succession
In relation to the previous tip, making fake celebrity accounts and then having them simultaneously post things like, “Thanks for the tip on that monologue the other day, totally nailed my Scorsese audition!” or, “Thanks for the ride to the airport, you’re the best person ever!” will make you immortally cool. Promise.
6. Never post a facebook status more than once in a day
You’ll discover real fast that everyone has a trigger-finger for blocking you in their news feed.
7. Never post pictures of your baby/dog/baby dog - Just don’t do it
Unless that baby/dog/baby dog is the reincarnation of Vincent Price, or Abraham Lincoln – but even still, I’d hesitate.
8. Every time you post a picture of your friend, label it with a flattering comment about them
Everyone loves hearing that they looked beautiful in that particular picture, or that they made that particular event that much greater. Yes, this is a legitimate suggestion and not a joke one, and yes – you will thank me for it once you apply it to your Facebookin’.
What other ways can you think of that will make you popular on Facebook? Let's discuss below so that we can all be popular on Facebook!