How to Beat a Traffic Ticket

So you are driving along just fine. Or slightly just fine, at least. Whichever. Suddenly, you see those flashing lights. You are getting pulled over.

Don’t start freaking out, because there are some great ways to get out of the situation without a ticket. Trust me.


Confusion

When asked why you were stopped, NEVER know why. Always seem confused.

Inquiring if you were speeding or if you drove straight through that stop sign “back there” makes you sound guilty. Be confused.

Bathroom

You need to use the bathroom in a very disastrous way. In a very number 2 sort of way.

You have severe stomach problems and you can’t control what is coming out of your body. Allude to being unclear if it is "coming out" now.

Cry

Think of something sad. Maybe a $200 speeding ticket is enough. Maybe you need to channel that time your cat died when you were five. Whatever. Just get some tears going.

Period

Females have the misfortune of having 'that time of the month', but also the wonderful fortune of using it as an excuse for a number of things.

You did whatever you did because your tampon was about to destroy the seat of your car or you are in a rush to get pads. Most police officers are males and males will never truly understand the female reproductive system.

Use this to your advantage. (Note: If the cop is female, abort mission.)

Flee

Run or drive away as fast as you can. Go into hiding or have officers pursue you in a high-speed chase. Best-case scenario: you get away. Worst-case scenario: you end up (in)famous and on the news. Win/win.

Kinda'

 

Lie

Make up a really sad or dramatic story that caused you to do what you did. Make it good and make it evoke empathy. It doesn’t hurt to add crying to this.

Truth

This is a novel idea. Try explaining what actually happened and why. It’s worth a shot.

Cleavage

Truly the best way to get out of a speeding ticket. Always have some cleavage handy. And use it for good. Not evil.