How to Break Up with Your Boyfriend After He's Been Impregnated By a Repulsive Alien Queen
You knew it! You KNEW it! All those late-night "explorations" to other galaxies to "study the indigenous life". He was studying it, all right! Girl, your momma warned you about gettin' in with an astronaut, and now he's hookin' up with a giant-ass alien queen and comin' home PREGNANT! Yeah, you know he's gonna deny it now. But you just try! YOU JUST TRY AND DENY IT NOW.
Girl, you can NOT be raisin' no alien baby. You gotta get OUTTA that relationship, and here's how you're gonna do it.
Get your stuff out
He don't get to keep your Blu-Ray player just cause HE cheated! Go over there and get yo sh*t back, girl! And make sure that new alien baby of his didn't shed any of his skin in that disc tray. What if you bring it home and get yourself an infestation of alien creatures reproducing through cellular mitosis and tryin' to eat yo eyeballs? You wanna keep them eyeballs, girl!
Don't message the Alien Queen on Facebook
You can't be starting nothing on the internet. She just gonna call up her girls and lead an invasion up on yo planet. Then y'all gonna have to call up your Space Marines and it's just gonna cause D-R-A-M-A drama.
Get yourself checked OUT
You don't want no space diseases girl!
Delete his number from your phone
If you don't make it, like, IMPOSSIBLE to get in touch with your man after you break up, you know you gonna get sad one night and give him a call. Then, before you know it, he puttin' his intergalactic genitals in you! You need to move on and get with a man who's DNA ain't never been mutated to allow pregnancy. Like my cousin Marcus. Girl, you met my cousin Marcus?
Throw away anything that reminds you of him
That's right, get rid of it ALL. The framed photos, the love notes, the puss cocoon he excreted on your anniversary. EVERYTHING.
Go out which yo girls
You know you come out with us, we gonna look out for you girl! We gonna find you a new man, one who stay true to you and NOT go around bangin' them alien hussies. How about that guy?
Oh, you ain't in to him? Okay, who are you into?
Damn girl, you got a type.
How you goin' go about findin' a new man? Let me know on twitter @mikeyfromsu or in the comments below!