How to Break Up with Your Boyfriend After He's Been Impregnated By a Repulsive Alien Queen
You knew it! You KNEW it! All those late-night "explorations" to other galaxies to "study the indigenous life". He was studying it, all right! Girl, your momma warned you about gettin' in with an astronaut, and now he's hookin' up with a giant-ass alien queen and comin' home PREGNANT! Yeah, you try and deny it now. TRY AND DENY IT NOW. Girl, you can't be raisin' no alien baby! You gotta get OUTTA there. And here's how your gonna break up with him now that he got himself pregnant by some repulsive-ass alien queen—
Get your stuff out of there
He don't get to keep your Blu-Ray player just cause HE cheated! Go over there and get yo sh*t back, girl! And make sure that new alien baby of his didn't shed any of his skin in there—what if you get yourself an infestation of alien creatures that reproduce through cellular mitosis and eat yo eyeballs? You wanna keep them eyeballs, girl!
Don't message her on Facebook
You can't be starting nothing on the internet. She just gonna call up her girls and lead an invasion and then y'all gonna have to call up your Space Marines and it's just gonna cause D-R-A-M-A drama.
Get yourself checked OUT
You don't want no space diseases girl!
Delete his number from your phone
If you don't make it absolutely IMPOSSIBLE to get in touch with your man after you break up, you know you gonna get sad one night and give him a call, then before you know it, he puttin' his intergalactic genitals in you! You need to move on and get with a man who's DNA ain't never been mutated to allow pregnancy. Like my cousin Marcus. Girl, you met my cousin Marcus?
Throw away anything that reminds you of him
That's right, get rid of it ALL. The framed photos, love notes, the hideous puss cocoon he excreted on your anniversary, EVERYTHING.
Go out which yo girls
You know you come out with us, we gonna look out for you girl! We gonna find you a new man, one who stay true to you and NOT go around bangin' them alien hussies. How about that guy?
Oh, you ain't in to him? Okay, who are you into?
Damn girl, you got a type.
How you goin' go about findin' a new man? Let me know on twitter @mikeyfromsu or in the comments below!