How To Find Out If An Online Profile Is Fake
The internet’s a vast, terrifying place, primarily populated by 45-year-old dudes who get their jollies by pretending to be 14-year-old cheerleaders. As a result, it’s hard to know who’s real and who’s really full of it. Are you having doubts about the realness of your new online friend/flame/freak buddy? If so, ask yourself the following questions – they’ll help you McGruff your way out of any digital pickle.
Do They Live in America, USA?
Is their location listed as “America, USA #1 A-OK USA?” If so, Google that phrase to see if "America, USA" is a real place. (SPOILER ALERT: America, USA is not a real place. If anything, it’s a hamburger restaurant in Korea.)
Do They Purport to be Popular Teen Heartthrob Zac Efron?
Compare the picture on their profile to pictures of popular teen heartthrob Zac Efron. If the pictures match, the profile is fake – that is, unless Zac Efron really is desperate enough to subject himself from the emotional minefield that is OK Cupid. (NOTE: If you receive confirmation that the profile is genuinely Zac Efron’s, get on that train ASAP; nothing’s more profitable than latching on to a celebrity with low self-esteem.)
Will They Wire You $1400?
If you have any doubts about their “realness,” ask them to wire you $1400 and see if they follow through. If someone really wants to be your friend, they'll wire you $1400 without a second thought – that’s the first rule of Friends Club. If not, they’re so NOT FOR REAL.
Is Everything They Say Nonsensical?
Think about it...does anything they say make sense? Like, at all? If not, your ass just got BOTTED, son!
Do They Say They’re One of the Richest Men on Earth?
Do they claim to be a celebrity that clearly isn't the kind of person who'd A) have a Facebook page in the first place or B) talk about themselves in such a disingenuous manner? Does their Facebook page look as counterfeit as a $3 bill, no doubt having been created by some dumb-ass website like this one for the LOLs? If the answer to any of these questions is yes, they probably won’t be able to get you into the Playboy Mansion.
Are They a Cartoon Walrus With a Novelty Mustache?
Make sure they're not a cartoon walrus with a novelty mustache. Not only do cartoon walruses with novelty mustaches not exist, but even if they did they certainly wouldn't be able to create OK Cupid accounts. They’d have no opposable thumbs, dummy.
Are They Clearly Your Ex-Girlfriend?
Do they spend so much time trying to convince you that they're not your ex-girlfriend that there's no way in hell they aren't your ex-girlfriend? If so, they’re clearly your ex-girlfriend. And they’re creepy.
Are They a Nigerian Prince?
If the owner of the profile says they're a Nigerian prince, they’re, uh, not a Nigerian prince. C'mon, dude...are you kidding me? You were really about to fall for that? Do you even know how to use the internet?
What other tell-tale signs of bogusness can YOU spot on an online profile? Let me know in the comments!