How To Get A Valentine
Valentine’s Day, Valentine’s Day, Valentine’s Day. It’s like that all-star older sister who needs to take a football to the face. But this saccharine holiday happens every year, so I guess we should play along. If you don’t already have one, here are some ways to get a valentine!
Hang Around The Cards Aisle
Go to your local Walgreens or CVS or whatever, you know the spot, and just chill in the cards aisle. Tell passersby you’ll bone them if they buy you the big one. Demeaning and potentially dangerous? Yes. But you have to take risks for love!
Eat An Entire Box Of Candy Hearts
Smash an entire box of that sugary crap in one sitting, and you will feel like you can do anything. With this newfound self-confidence, go ask someone out! Hell, ask everyone out! You can go on a running-in-circles date! Wheeeee!
Crash An Elementary School Class
Bet you didn’t realize that our nation’s schools promote polyamory, but it’s true. Some teachers go so far as to require their kids to give a valentine to every single person in the class. Hang around long enough and you’re bound to receive one of those mass-produced cards.
Get With Her Friends
The Spice Girls laid it all out for you. “If you want to be my lover, you gotta get with my friends.” What are you waiting for? Do it!
Ask If He/She Is Celebrating Valentine’s Day
The conversation will go a little something like this. “Hey, are you celebrating Valentine’s Day?” “Nah, I don’t have a valentine.” “Yeah, same.” *awkward pause* “So, how do you feel about prix fixe meals?”
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Smosh loves you all and thinks everyone should be happy this Valentine’s Day. Let us know if you want to be our Valentine, and it will be so! Smooches!