How Justin Bieber Defends Himself From Rabid Fans

Justin Bieber tried to do some shopping at the Fairview Park Mall in Kitchener, Ontario this week when hundreds of teen girls began flocking around him. They descended on him and could not be stopped. A normal celebrity would have been terrified and unable to defend themselves, but Bieber has more than a few tricks up those Bieber-like sleeves to defend himself against the hoardes of teenage fans who wouldn't let him relax and buy sunglasses. First he:


1. Threw Up The Peace Sign

Signalling to the rabid teen girls that they should calm down and respect his privacy. But that did not work, it looked adorable and only made them more rabid for more Bieber, they descended on him, snarling and licking their chops just as he...


2. Leapt Onto A Nearby Bike

Running over as many as he could as he made his exit. But one of the teen girls was too quick, and whipped her ponytail into his spokes, causing him to crash his bike into an Orange Julius stand.


3. Karate Breakdancing

Bieber leapt off the charred remains of his bike and proceded to listen to the words of his idol, famed ex-teen hearthrob Jake Busey, "If you're ever trapped by hundreds of rabid fans in an Ontario Mall, karate breakdance until not a single one of them is left alive." Though many fans fell to his karate breakdancing, it was not enough, so he did what anyone in his situation would do next he...


4. Dressed Up Like A 1920's Style Flapper Girl To Trick Them

Unfortunately they were not tricked because he did it right in front of them, at which point he had no choice he needed to pull out one of the last tricks up his sleeve:


5. Firing High Levels of Toxic Radiation Out Of His Mouth

Few people know that Justin Bieber has the ability to fire high levels of toxic radiation out of his mouth at his enemies, but that is his most deadly final attack. These fans had scene him fell an army of oncoming fans at other malls, and came prepare wearing radiation-proof makeup and accessories. Desperate he...


6. Threw Up The Peace Sign Again

To no avail. There he was backed up against the mall fountain. He knew he was finished. He would have to sign autographs or perish under the onslaught of teen fan girls, when he turned to his left and spied a dolphin. In the nick of time he remembered the greatest weakness of all teen girls: cute animals, so he:


7. Threatened To Tear The Flippers Off This Dolphin If They Didn't Let Him Go

Instantly, they vanished in a puff of smoke, shrieking that they had been defeated. Justin, victorious, dusted off his bangs, got on his bike, took one last look back, and rode off into the Mall a free man. For now...



How would you defend yourself against rabid teen girl fans if you were Justin Bieber? Let us know in the comments!


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