How To Kick A Friend Out Of Your Clique

For those of us lucky enough to have found a group of people that we care about enough to form a clique, we know that nothing could ever break the sacred bonds of trust and, let's be honest, love that form between its' members. Until one of them gets annoying. Then that d-bag's got to go. Here are some ways you can get them out of your clique.

 

Pretend you all have a contagious disease

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"Oh man Ted, we all got the same contageous disease at the same time! It's called best frendiaditis, and you would've probably gotten it too if you hadn't been a baby and come camping with us last weekend."

 

Softly touch their face whenever they say anything

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Nothing creepier than this has ever happened. They'll run away from your clique so fast there'll be an unpopular friend-shaped hole in the wall.

 

Stop lending them money

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Let's be honest. The odds are pretty good that the reason you're kicking this person out of the clique is that they keep "forgetting" their wallet at Burger King. I get what you've been up to, Ted. And I don't like it. Not one bit!

 

Kill their father

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If there's one thing a friendship can't stand, it's the killing of a father. People HATE it when their fathers get killed. If you kill your friend's father there is no way he'll want to stay in your clique. Keep in mind, he might want to start a rival clique to fight your clique, but he'll probably be too busy grieving. His father was just killed, after all.

 

Tell them they're out of the clique

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Then they'll be out of the clique.

 

Go over to their house and rev your motorcycle

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This is the universal way of saying "time to get out of town". At least I think it is. I feel like I saw it in a move once. And you know what, even if it isn't, at least this passive-agressive campaign to drive a friend from your life has pushed you into finally buying the motorcycle you've always dreamed of. Motorcycles are rad enough to make you forget how bad your friends are.

 

Watch what they don't want to watch on Netflix

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Figure out which show on Netflix instant the guy you want out of the clique hates most. It'll probably be The Larry Sanders Show. Then, every time you click the "Play Next Episode" button his eye will twitch a little more noticably. Soon enough, he'll see the "Play Next Episode" button being clicked in his mind. His descent into insanity will escalate until one day when he finally snaps and beats up a toddler in a post office. Then he'll be in jail and you're free to watch the Larry Sanders show in peace.

 

Are you feeling guilty for kicking your pals out of your clique? Spill those feelings in the comments!

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