How to Look Cool at Parties!
Listen, no one’s born cool. Babies are the lamest things on the planet – all they do is eat mush, defecate in their pants, and go to bed at 7PM. Can you say BO-RING? Thankfully, most babies don’t stay lame their entire lives. They grow up, chill out, and get cool. How, you may ask, do they get cool? It’s easy – they take lessons from super cool dudes and dudettes like me. Want to look cool at parties? Follow my lead.
Wear a Hawaiian Shirt
I've got two words for you, dude: Hawaiian. Shirt. Can’t find a Hawaiian shirt on short notice? Don’t worry! Novelty t-shirts work just as well. Just motor down to your local Spencer’s Gifts, scoop up a “Who Farted?” tee, and get ready to get popular.
Sport Some Sunnies
The only thing cooler than a person wearing sunglasses is a dog wearing sunglasses. If you can read this, however, you probably aren’t a dog. You can get close to dog-level coolness, though, by wearing sunglasses indoors – combining an unnecessary pair of sunnies and a James Dean-esque lean against the wall will get you respect. (Bonus points if you do the above activities at night.)
Puke in Private
Eat waaaaay too much Hot n’ Ready pizza? It happens to the best of us, bro. Just make sure there's no one within eye- or earshot when you throw up. It'll add an air of mystery to you.
Name Drop Famous Folks
Enter conversations by saying things like, "Yeah, dads can be the worst. When my dad, Steven Tyler of Aerosmith, gets up in the morning, he's always cranky." Because everyone knows that Aerosmith front man Steven Tyler is, like, the coolest dude who has ever existed – by associating yourself with him, you become cool by proxy.
Quality Beverages = Quality Party
Wanna be a hero? Bring name-brand soda to the party; none of that Shasta or Stars & Stripes crap. Coke and Pepsi literally costs a dollar more – hell, sometimes it’s even cheaper than the generic stuff – and it doesn’t taste like poverty. Also, bring cans of soda. Two liters suck; nine times out of ten, they’re flat before you even open ‘em. And that’s a party FOUL, brother.
Please, for the love of God, don't fall asleep. I’ve been cool for quite some time – for some reason, though, I always mess this one up. Falling asleep at a party increases the likelihood of someone drawing something lewd on your face with a Sharpie 148%. DON’T LET YOURSELF BE MADE A FOOL OF.
Fire Up Some Fourth Meal
Bring one of those 12 for $10 Taco Bell Party Packs, position yourself in the middle of the party, and eat the contents of said Party Pack. People will be impressed by your snacking skills and admire your stamina – everyone is gonna wanna be you or be with you. You’re welcome. Now go throw up.
Are you cool enough to hang with my super cool crew? Prove it in the comments!