How to Make It Up to the Baby Ducks Whose Mother You Just Accidentally Killed
So often you're driving down the highway, wondering which fruit is the best or whether or not they cancelled that show FlashForward when WHAM. You hit a duck. If you're like me, you're wondering if said stupid duck did any damage to your car, so you get out to take a look. But I did not count on something waddling up over the hill.
Oh God. Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God. Baby ducks. They're going to see. They're going to see what I did to their mother. Oh God oh God oh God. Oh GOD what I wouldn't give for this no to have happened. Okay, so now you've got to make it up to these baby ducks. And here's how—
Get them off the highway and into the car
The first way to start making it up to them is to get them off the side of the highway before someone else runs them over. See if you can scoop them up before they notice any of what's left of their mother on your car's bumper.
Now that I think about it, that's probably a good rule of thumb if you ever accidentally kill anyone's mother.
Take them out for ice cream to explain to them what happened
It's unfair that this happened and that this awful burden has fallen on you, but these baby ducks need to hear the truth. Just look them in the eye and tell them...
... tell them...
... tell them their mom is at college and she might not have a ton of time to hang with them. But hey, at least she's working on herself in an effort to build them a better life. It's the American dream, right? Right.
Buy a kiddie pool for them to swim in
Even though none of this is your fault, you've still got to figure out something to keep them occupied. A kiddie pool seems like a thing ducks would like. Kids like them, and baby ducks are just little yellow kids. I think that math works out.
Put them under your arms to keep them warm
Turns out, baby ducks are not like kids. They need constant warmth or they don't stop crying. You've got to keep them under your arm, nice and warm. The worst part of all of this is that they start snuggling up with you as they fall asleep and you wish so hard that none of this had ever happened because these ducks are keeping you from doing what you want to do. More to the point, they're fussy and annoying and, well, sort of cute.
Don't tell them about your guilt-induced visions of their dead duck mother
You can't tell baby ducks about something that heavy. They're just baby ducks man. They get so upset at the end of an episode of Yo Gabba Gabba they fall on their backs and kick their legs for twenty minutes.
Have no choice but to be honest with them
When the visions become unbearable — and they will become unbearable — you have to sit down with the baby ducks and tell them the truth — you made a mistake and because of that their mother isn't ever coming back. They'll be confused and they'll be scared. It will be a challenge, but you have to be a little bit braver than a tiny yellow duck.
Bring them to the animal shelter
Since the baby ducks probably can't stand to look at you now, you can take them to a local animal shelter that will help them grow and, when they're ready, release them back into the wild. Hopefully they can also coax all that little baby duck hatred out of their little baby duck hearts.
Wave goodbye to them as you drive away
But just as you're pulling away, the baby ducks will wander outside and cry uncontrollably as you leave. Then it'll make sense— they weren't angry at you, you were projecting your guilt onto them. As it turns out, baby ducks form a bond with whoever it is that plays with them, keeps them warm, and loves them. They'd formed that bond with you. And while they're sad to see you go, and you're sad to leave them, the only thing you can think about as you drive home is how happy you are to have met them.
How would you have made it up to these baby ducks? Let me know on Twitter @mikeyfromsu or in the comments below!