How To Not Suck At Facebook

I don’t wanna hide you, just certain things you always do. It's a new year, we are getting are new profiles. So please…let’s try and eliminate these Facebook habits in 2011.

 

Trying To Be First

Okay first things first. On public or fan pages, must every comment thread begin with attempts at being first? They are hardly ever first... or even second. And even when they are first… who cares? The worst part is when the whole thread becomes people declaring what number they are... then the endless mockings, of all the endless fails in the thread.  I promise I’m not tricking everyone to stop, just so this lazy fool can be first. Or am I?

 

Tagging People In Their Most Unattractive Photos

Do not tag a picture of someone if it appears they have a double chin, a blood alcohol of .21 or higher, or absolutely no dignity at all.  In return, I’ll try to be more dignified.

 

Cries For Attention

Every status attempt this person makes is purely to get you to ask ‘what’s wrong?’. Don’t do it! It is all a ploy to get you to hang out and be their shoulder to cry on. Besides you are probably only friends with this person on Facebook because it allows you to keep them at a distance, while still appearing to be friends... and it's less drama than unfriending them. For me, this is one of Facebook’s greatest attractions. So stop trying to break down my barriers, people!

 

The ‘Sexy’ Pic In Bathroom Mirror

The women in these photos all had the same idea. Hey I’m gonna get the cheapest outfit I can find, then pose in the mirror with my butt sticking out, while also sporting my best ducklip face. Occasionally the product of their trampy behavior will be in the photo as well. Fun Fact: This person watches Teen Mom and constantly says “That’s so true!”

 

Too Much TMI

So you have diarrhea/ weird sores/ a strange attraction to Ke$ha/ Mary Kate Olsen/ the ugly Jonas Brother?  These aren’t status updates. These are ‘less status in my eyes’ updates. Although I have to confess I probably am guilty of this one… but nothing disgusting! Just things like revealing that I watch Gossip Girl and The Bachelor… okay, pretty disgusting. In my defense I also watch The Wire and um… PBS? Okay… I’m thoroughly shamed.

 

Liking EVERYTHING!

I was fine when you liked Nutella, The Hunger Games, and Glee. I was even fine when you liked Taylor Swift, although it did give me pause. But now you’re liking things like ‘going slightly out of your way to step on a crunchy looking leaf’ and ‘hating that little triangle the windshield wipers don’t clean’. Well, I like when my wall isn’t cluttered by all the things you like.  And the awkward moment when Miley Cyrus doesn’t clear the bong. But that’s it.

 

Boring Status Updates

You brushed your teeth? You’re doing homework? You’re going to sleep now? Why don’t you just write ‘I logged onto Facebook to bore you all’.  If you don’t have something interesting to say… just go to bed and start fresh in the morning, when you will probably write something like  ‘hmmm...what should I have for breakfast?” I’m going to sleep now.

 

Using A Baby As Your Profile Pic

For real…your baby is adorable! But you’re making her look like the drunk skank that you are. Maybe you wanna raise a miniature you?

 

 

 Complaining Whenever There’s A New Layout

Just remember…in a year you’ll be complaining when they change the one you hate right now. And besides, your complaining just fuels the Zuck, like the miniature arc reactor that powers Iron Man’s heart.

 

Constantly Expressing Your Cheesy Love

I get it!  Your love puts Edward and Bella to shame, and if I make fun of your constant proclamations or point out that this is your third true love this year... you say I’m just jealous. Maybe you’re right, maybe I am a bad person. And in three months, I will try to be a ‘better person’  and I won’t ‘like’ it when your relationship status changes to single. And FYI Travis has moved on

What FB habits do you wanna see gone in 2011? Let us know in the comments! (Where you know someone’s still gonna try to be FIRST! Good luck!)

 

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