How to Read Your Date’s Body Language
Tonight is Friday night and for a lucky few that's date night! Whether you’re getting ready for Friday night, prom night or that big night with the love of your life who almost got your name right, it’s important you pay attention not only to what your date says but how he or she moves. Because nothing tells you what kind of date you’re dealing with like their body language.
1. Analytical Date
Tilts head, strokes chin, sucks glasses, nods continuously and blinks at a rate that has been known to induce seizures. Listens intensely, evaluates quietly and pays you more attention than your own mother. Leaves you with a sense they understood exactly where you were coming from…and so could see through you better than Superman through one-ply toilet paper.
2. Overly Enthusiastic Date
Leans forward with feet under chair, hands on table and eyes on you with an intensity that would unnerve an FBI profiler. Laughs uproariously when you make a joke, smiles broadly when you mention an accomplishment and hugs themselves when you pay them a compliment. Thoroughly engaged in everything you have to say and ready to agree with almost anything you may utter, even if it’s “And I fully believe that in a pinch, pen ink makes a fine substitute for blood.”
3. Increasingly Bored Date
Stares not so much at you as past you, waiting for someone to walk by so they can silently mouth, “help me.” Snores during initial kiss. Appears to be counting out loud to him or herself, often reaching the quadruple digits. Eventually starts wandering aimlessly around the restaurant while you speak, throwing their arms up in defeat, buttoning their coat and walking out the door.
4. Emo Date
Heavy reliance on eyes or scarf to convey interest. Disinterested when you talk about your grandfather’s passing but weeps openly when recalling a puppy he met. Wears emotions on sleeve, courtesy of chalk or any nearby writing implement. Unironically orders something called “Fervent Potato Skins.” Clutches chest to convey intense earnestness and not, sadly, severe heart attack.
5. Bitter Date
Furrows brow, bares teeth and loads pistol upon seeing a happy couple. Maintains tightly closed body position, indicating extreme defensiveness or rapidly collapsing skeletal structure. Looks at every member of the opposite sex with immense disdain, even if it’s the wrong species. Bites lip out of resentment, balls fists out of anger and tells the wind to “F*** off!” out of insanity.
6. Shy Date
Flinches when you approach, make eye contact or text them. Keeps hands in pockets while walking side-by-side or driving. Unable to initiate conversation, even if it’s to mumble, “I’m bleeding. A lot.” Can’t stop touching face, shaking leg or crawling out a window. Very distant during conversation, often by a good six tables. Smiles awkwardly when addressed, looks away when complimented and tries to take own life when introduced to friends.
7. Overly Confident Date
Initiates handshake about six blocks too early. Sits with back straight, chest out and hand on your breasts. Exudes positive attitude by laughing and smiling at own jokes. Shows comfort in own skin by exposing most of it within first five minutes. Not afraid to take up space, even if it means you having to stand in movie theater. Assured smile when saying, “I,” “me” or “When are we gonna do it?” Often accompanied by congratulatory banners.
8. Angry Date
Taps feet, keeps head down and doodles with a vigor that causes pens to burst. Leans over you with arms crossed when asking a question and turns away in disgust when you answer. Shows no mercy when you start to cry and even less when you start to choke. Signifies end of date by forcibly kicking your chair out of the cafe and into oncoming traffic.
So what has the body language of your boyfriend/girlfriend/secret crush who has no idea that you walk on this earth told you about your date?